Monday, August 11, 2008

So much for being carbon conscious.

If I could raid pantries for a living, I could easily target the emotionally insecure and physically self-conscious and write a book called, " What my packaging says about me," or, "I am not educated enough to fucking realise that I have to do your own diet research and not read cans or buy into stupid colourful gimmicks. I am a marketers dream."

But, I think the latter is too long for a title. It's also a little too travel-book for my liking (this is in reference to the time I have recently spent in airports. One book was called "Don't tell my mum I work in an oil rig, she thinks I am a piano player in a whore-house" or something as stupid. It was badly written.)

Anyways, my aunt has just come over from the US, and being the ripe old age of 60, isn't consciously aware of things outside of her grandchildren. Not that it is a bad thing, but I just can't relate to her. She brought over my body weight in vitamins for the family, as well as a whole lot of overly packaged food. Sure, it is sweet and all, but she should know that we have almonds in Australia.
So, I try to shop organic, local, biodynamic, support independent companies rather than giant chains...and all of a sudden, I find myself chewing at "Blue Diamond Almonds, Whole Natural," and all the way from California.
Oh yes, I should add that everyone on my father's side moved to either the US or AUS, and everyone on my mother's side moved to AUS or stayed in HK. Only slightly relevant now, but that is the generations for you.
There is this revolting green plastic lid on the aluminium can, which has been foil-sealed and is covered in ridiulous paper with a whole lot of deception and self promotion.

"Irresistable snacking!" is apparently its trademark.
"3g net carbs" is written on the lid, in font larger than the brand itself, and is repeated another 4 times on this can, carrying only 170g of almonds. It is then reiterrated, just so it doesn't seem like they're lying....predone maths.
"6g total carbs-3g fiber= 3g net carbs." Apparently, they're still fearing carbohydrates in the US. Where's the rest of the maths? 1g carbs= 4 calories. 1g protien=4 calories. carbs and protien = the same amount of calories.
My personal favourite is their desperate attempt at appearing like a healthy food, by injecting a whole lot of nutritional jargon which nullifies what it states in the first place.
"Scientific evidence suggests, but does not prove, that eating 1.5 ounces per day of most nuts, such as almonds, as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol may reduce the risk of heart disease. See nutrion information for fat content."
It is sad how much they underestimate their market when I think that American advertising is so damn clever.

See for example which I saw on the Elegant Suffciency:

Anyways, the thing is, I am very good at looking through what people have in their pantries and fridges and can scale them with how educated they are on their diets or can identify the insecurities they have with their bodies.

It's mean, I know.

These almonds make me feel like an uneducated chump and every bite I take makes me think that a farmer may reach over and slap me every time I swallow.

On a side note, the Melbourne Specialty Cheese Show is on this Sunday at Crown again. I am the cheese, so, I may see you there.

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