Strange, dirty food.

When you're having one of the most frustrating conversations in your life, it is fitting to have one of the strangest meals.
Dirty, cheap food for dirty, cheap conversations.

What a waste of stomach space.

I ordered the Mee Kuah Mama, $7.50. "Singapore style noodles served in a special gravy with meat and egg." So, hokkien noodles in this sweet/tart, artificially red sauce with an egg whipped through it and tiny pieces of stewed lamb, which was a surprise, with a sprinkling of coriander. There were a few limp pieces of bak choi and bean shoots floating around. The liquid seemed off, something so strange about it until you ate it with a bit of everything else.
I didn't know whether to like it or not, but somehow it was addictive. I put it to the sugar that would was in there somewhere. It would be important to note that the broth was very hot, boiling hot, so it is good when you're suffering from odd discussions that it has time to cool and let the flavours develop.
My dining partner ordered the lamb curry and you can see the roti in the background. $7.50 for the lamb and $2 for the roti, which is made in house and actually very good. I didn't taste this, but I was told to try. Personally, the flavours from my meal were too overwhelming and I didn't taste this at all.
He finished it all, so it couldn't have been bad.

Totally confusing. We should have gone to Ying Thai 2 instead for something more straighforward, which I think could have also influenced my conversation as well.

Lazzat
their tagline: Indonesian, Malaysian & Indian Cuisine
112 Lygon St
Carlton, 3053
(03) 9639 5951

And we're back in the game.

I realise that once you go out without a camera, it seems almost pointless to carry one around.

Alas, I am a creature of habit.


A short one for now, I went to the gym and then a plumber came in and made our shower have no water pressure.

I hate him. Now, it will forever be a golden shower.

Then, I walked to Smith St and drank and Asahi at midday. At exactly midday...so no judging eyes. Yes, I am at Woodspoon and I finally have a camera with me.
For the first time.
I ordered a Yasai soup with prawn and pork dumplings. It is a tomato based soup with "10 vegetables" and a choice of chicken, pork or prawn and pork dumplings. They, unlike usual dumplings are not encased in a wheat skin, topped with parmesan $10.50.
It's got the usual suspects, onion, pumpkin, eggplant, zucchini, broccoli, beans, tomato, carrot, cabbage. I know I am missing one...but hell, I don't have that good a memory. It may be possible that the suspect sprinkle of dried herbs is counted as a vegetable.
It is suspiciously sweet, and also based in a chicken stock, but damn is it moorish. They also have a vegan version in a vegetable stock.


The good thing about their menu is that it outlines what it vegan, vegetarian, dairy free and gluten free. A freak allergy-child's dream.
And they're cheap. They have several lunch deals going, but I didn't do them. I wasn't hungry enough. I didn't even finish my soup, and this is with after-gym pangs. Oh, and I so would have properly eaten onigiri if I were not in that state.
Also, I was told that despite my drinking of beer, that it is not a food group and it doesn't really count as carbs.

Damn.

And if you're wondering, of course I went into Monsieur Truffle to take a look around first.


Creature of habit.
And checked out Catherine's (head of FOH at the Commoner) empty shell, next door, opening in a month. Called BOIRE. A French kitchen, all about wine. Wine on the plates and on the walls...glasses, there is no menu and the cook by the ingredients they have that day. She is looking for a chef, actually.

Woodspoon Kitchen
88 Smith St,
Collingwood, 3066
(03)9416 0588

No camera

how sad. Charging can be a bitch.

Before seeing my housemate Lute's show, Luke's Got Cancer (which you have undoubtedly heard about) I went for a drink at The Goose and Vinyl. This place has apparently not had their launch yet, but I like them so far.
Nay, I love them.
And that isn't because the staff were bored and gave me free food and drink. But, I thought I would mention that so I didn't sound biased.
So, there is Chophouse on the ground level and The Goose and Vinyl above it. The have something to do with the owners of Cherry, because, well, I asked and they confirmed. But also, they let the patrons, if appropriate, pick vinyl to play from a menu.
They have a select wine menu and a few by the glass, as well as doing quite a few cocktails. Their menu features a lot of chopped salads, steaks and small dishes.
I had a chopped salad, of chicken, which had been brined first, with cos, macerated carrot, raisins, nuts and pomegranate. Great texture, although, I think they could have macerated the carrots in something with rosewater, as it became overpowering after a while. Very good value, this dish comfortably fed the two of us and was $16. Also, they don't have a head chef, but two sous chefs who run the kitchen, which makes everything very well balanced in terms of menu writing. Think sweet & savoury working hand in hand.
Their official launch is in a couple of weeks.

The Goose and Vinyl
91-93 Flinders Lane
Above the Chophouse
1300 THE GOOSE (1300 843 466)

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And then, I stopped in at Shogun for a quick bite the other day. It is a new Japanese joint which has just opened up on Lonsdale St and their Schtick is that they're a sake and teppanyaki bar. They're still trying to find their feet, meaning, blatantly tell you they are trying to memorise orders rather than write them down. And despite just ordering four items, and that includes the drink, I would like to say; major fail.
The waiter, who I assume also works in the teppanyaki bar had to walk back three times to confirm the order. Then, I was told that they were out of salmon, so they were going to replace it with more tuna in my sashimi order. So, I ended up with lots of tuna and a little kingfish.
Much time passed and drinks had been finished. Everything had been finished, actually. They had forgotten the pickles and the one item I wanted to try from the bar still hadn't arrived. The food is good, which is why I would go back again, but not for a while. They definitely need to work on a system where the kitchen, the bar and the teppanyaki bar are all in kahootz together and things work out.
Oh, and it isn't a matter of them being busy either. Just training of staff.

J-Pub Shogun Japanese Restaurant & Bar

233 Lonsdale St
Melbourne, VIC 3000

(03) 9663 3996‎

My cousin got married

and I ate every single animal on earth that night. Well, no...but a lot.

Also, my mother got drunk and heckled the speech-makers and also stood up and started singing for no reason.

*SHAME*

The food was good, better than usual wedding fare. Typical banquet, Canto-wedding style. Nothing to OMG about, wasn't the best quality, but it wasn't bad either. You know what I mean.
The menu. The first item says "Suckling pig platter."

Condiments. Don't think I didn't eat those chilis on their own for no reason. My second uncle, who is a doctor was sitting next to me, cringing.

The suckling pig platter. Served cold, on top of jelly fish.

Fried crab-claw. Very child-friendly. Basically, the crab meat has been diced with fish until it forms a glutinous paste and then it is deep fried and served with a sweetened chili sauce. Meh.
A waste of stomach space, and seafood if you ask me. But this is what everyone seemed to enjoy.

Sauteed scallops with macadamias. This is my dad's plate. By the time they divided it all into plates, mine didn't have much to go on it. That clump is a "bird's nest," read: deep-fried vermicelli. I think this was a great, subtle dish. Well cooked. I didn't add chili oil to everything I ate because I usually reserve that for dishes more to the north. Cantonese flavours are so damn subtle, and they want you to taste EVERYTHING, especially the quality of seafood.
Shark fin soup. The funny thing about this is that usually assholes order this at Flower Drum and end up picking out all of the shark-fin. This was one of the better dishes, made from stock of the crab shells. Great with white pepper and vinegar.
After this, generally, the bridal party go around and cheers everyone.
This also meant making my uncle scull half a bottle of wine at his friend's table.

This is not tea.

A fuckload of lobster.

Mine. With spring onions and ginger. Perfectly cooked. Very generous with their portions. I was already full half way through this and had to pretty much surrender two-thirds of everything else I ate to my parents. They're very much anti-waste.

Oh, and we totally use knives and forks, too. It ain't all just chopsticks.

My favourite dish of the evening. Braised abalone and sea cucumber. Rich, full of flavour and the abalone had the perfect bite to it. Unfortunately they probably threw the sea cucumber in at the same time as the abalone, so it was softer than what I would have liked. Texturally, a well balanced dish.
But, notice already how unethical this meal is?
Also, by this stage, the poor waitress caught on and looked for me to take photos before she would start serving everything.

Steamed Coral Trout with spring onions and ginger. Oh, and token coriander. Usually served with a watered-down, sweetened soy and sizzling oil. You really can't fuck this up.
I also had to keep telling my mum it wasn't a big barramundi. Like, seriously. This big??? Oh, and it was written on the menu.
My share. Lacking in fish, but at this point I didn't care, I usually fish for all the garnish anyways. No pun intended. Probably a little undercooked for this type of fish.
What bird is this?
Faces. Looky, looky. My grandmother was fighting over the crunchy heads with my dad.

It's pigeon.
And it is delicious. In the foreground, a salt and pepper mix.
This is a dish of two rice things baked in one. Very HK cafe. Not my kind of food. Chicken and tomato on one side, and a prawn, pea and cream sauce on the other.
I have no idea why this was there.
E-fu (wheat based) noodles with mushrooms. From what I saw, shittake and enoki. Loved it even though I only had one bite.
And the desserts. Coconut and evil marshmallow. Really, the black side was like, "Oh, I think we will trick them with making half of the marshmallow taste like charcoal."
"BRILLIANT!"
Yeah, I tricked a lot of people into eating that even though I was slightly traumatised with that flavour lingering in my mouth.
And those orange things, a flakey pumpkin cookie pastry encasing lotus-seed paste. Surprisingly not as sweet as they look. But then again, I only had one bite.

And my bro-in-law and my sister being suspicious and enthused about the gifts on the table. It's unisex despite the packaging.
Yeah, soap. Seriously.
Trust doctors to give everyone soap.
"Fuck you, Kylie Kwong. Bao's with chopsticks? Fuck that, I eat prawn crackers with chopsticks...BIATCH!"
My uncle didn't really say that, but that is what I thought when he started doing this.

The joint. Gold Leaf or some shit.

Weddings are so exhausting.

It's a big, fatty, food day.

I had arranged to load off some of the hot cross buns that I made the other day. The receiving soul would be Claire and +39 was the decided venue. Even though I hadn't eaten the sausages that I was part of this morning, I felt like I had.

Maybe it was because despite showering, I still smell like meat.

Or maybe it is the phantom smell of meat following me around, like...a...bad...smell.

Yeah, that didn't work out quite as well as I would have hoped.

Whatever, we split these, in true I-want-to-taste-everything style and there was no shame in taking out a camera and admitting a possible doubling up of posts. The only advantage here is that I don't have to go to work until 6, and I guess Claire is working until 6.

The pizzas are $10 each. This has eggplant, cherry tomatoes and breadcrumbs. In the ways of DOC, thin, crisp bases you fold together to eat like a sandwich. Very simple, light and flavoursome ingredients that still manage to hold their own textures.

But the clincher, (I love sharing food, you never get food envy) the Burratta, $16. A perfectly creamy and salty ball of cheese torn over penne in napoli with a mellow clove of garlic and basil leaves. Welcome to flavour country.

Perfect with the Peroni.

+39
362 Little Bourke St, Melbourne
Phone 03 9642 0440

Retrieved

Good friends come through with the goods.

It appears that I left my camera at my friend's place and they returned it to me. I am so lucky that this is actually a friend and not some dirty hipster claiming to be my friend who would steal it or try to swap it for drugs.

I'm just saying...


So, with collaboration with my sister's photos...here is the damn birthday banquet that was actually good. My crazy grandfather who is also a gambling addict must have come through with a good week, because when we finished the meal, he just threw a few hundred dollars on the table and hobbled down the stairs. Oh, he's 95 and on a pension, I sat there, swapping looks with my sister because we've seen him throw two hundred dollars down on a table and loose it in one game, and rejoin us.

He's a strange man.

We ended up going to No 1 Cafe, on Carrington st in Box Hill. They recently bought out a place called No 1 cafe and changed them name in Chinese but kept the English name so they wouldn't have to pay legal fees.
They specialize in seafood and are a true sign of being dodgy Asians...the ones I like to cook for me.

Oh, yeah....

We ordered the six person banquet because my grandfather wanted crab.
Yeah, he's crazy and amazing.

I also learnt during this dinner that he was a butcher in HK. I want to take him meat shopping with me and he's become so much more valuable.

It explains why he always catches pigeons on his window sill, kills them and then cooks them...


The waitress serving the first course. A gingery soup with pigs intestine, bean curd roll and gingko nuts. The broth was made from the pork bones being stewed for hours and it was amazing.

I would say the best dish of the night...if you could call this a dish.


Soup lined up on the lazy Susan.

I am still confused about why it is called that.

Gingko nut. I have never encountered a whole stewed one before, it is incredibly rich and has the texture of egg yolk.
I am addicted.


Next up, the steamed oysters, served two ways. One with garlic and the other with a ginger and spring onion mush.

I loved the garlic one, but I found the ginger and spring onion with oil overpowered the oyster, which was very fucking good. The oil in it was also a little much.
I remember my brother-in-law's mother buying great oysters from Box Hill market...so, woot.

Then, the crab dish. Crab cooked in a ginger sauce and served on top of fresh egg noodles. Always a winner, and it was perfectly cooked.
I deliberately didn't eat that much crab though and fought for more of the crab roe in the head of the crab. It is my favourite part.
My only complaint with this dish is that they put too much corn flour in the sauce and made it too gluggy. Not good when your dish cools down a little and you're facing a starchy road ahead.

My second favourite for the night. This is the mixed mushrooms on bak choi. Abalone mushrooms, oyster mushrooms, enoki mushrooms, straw mushrooms and shittake mushrooms cooked till they kept their bite in a savoury oyster-sauce based gravy. Perfectly textured with the steamed rice.

This is basically a whole deep fried chicken rubbed in five-spice, chopped up for a heart attack.

Because I don't normally eat fried things, I found this really heavy and difficult to get through, if not tasty. My sister ended up finishing off my chicken skin.
It wasn't greasy, and was good, but my insides weren't used to it.
It also seemed a little dry when eaten with the rice.

And finally, a steamed barramundi with spring onion and ginger in soy sauce, which has had hot oil poured over it. One of my favourites, and very easy to make. It can never go wrong, especially when they fish it out of a tank in the front window.

And I took it apart for everyone to eat the flesh. I had given up way before this, but my sister persevered with my father.
I wanted to take a photo of its skeleton, fins and head all attached, but my grandfather grabbed the head before I could take a photo and started eating it.
My father sucked all the flesh off the bones.

Yeah, we're uber-Asian.

No 1 Cafe
1 Carrington St
Box Hill, 3128

(03) 9898 9680

45.1 degrees and a hot pot.

Yesterday was a little torturous, as the house hadn't had a chance to air out. But at least living in the CBD grid, out power wasn't turned off.

My parents had always toted the fact that when it is hot that you should eat hot foods, spicy foods, as to "sweat out" any impurities and ward away illness. Not that I ever think this in the heat, I think it has somehow ingrained itself into my psyche.
So, last night, I ventured out into one of my almost forgotten places Han Guuk Guan, for Korean. It is this little hidden hut-looking place on the fringe of the city and the Carlton Gardens, in an offshoot, surrounded by orifice buildings.
They actually serve a combination of Chinese and Korean food, but I have never even bothered with the Chinese menu.
They serve everything with the pickles on the side, and their menu is extensive as to go from appetisers, cold dishes, hot pots, shared dishes, rice dishes, soups and Korean barbecue.


We started with the steamed Mandoo, filled with pork and served with a chili vinegar. $8.

The pickles, free with every meal.

This is my spicy hot pot of tofu, mushrooms and fish egg sack in action. It comes with a bowl of rice, as do all the individual hot pots. $13

Not pictured is my dining partner's pork marrow and spare rib hot pot with egg and potato noodles. $11

Very tasty and with many vegetarian options. When I first came here, the upstairs could be booked out for karaoke and they have a giant plasma TV up there, which is distracting when you're just dining for fun.

The kitchen closes at 9:30 and is run by a Korean grandmother which ensures that nothing is bastardised and you can make requests or alterations to your meal at will.

Han Guuk Guan
13A Victoria St, Melbourne
03 9639 1747