My cousin got married

and I ate every single animal on earth that night. Well, no...but a lot.

Also, my mother got drunk and heckled the speech-makers and also stood up and started singing for no reason.

*SHAME*

The food was good, better than usual wedding fare. Typical banquet, Canto-wedding style. Nothing to OMG about, wasn't the best quality, but it wasn't bad either. You know what I mean.
The menu. The first item says "Suckling pig platter."

Condiments. Don't think I didn't eat those chilis on their own for no reason. My second uncle, who is a doctor was sitting next to me, cringing.

The suckling pig platter. Served cold, on top of jelly fish.

Fried crab-claw. Very child-friendly. Basically, the crab meat has been diced with fish until it forms a glutinous paste and then it is deep fried and served with a sweetened chili sauce. Meh.
A waste of stomach space, and seafood if you ask me. But this is what everyone seemed to enjoy.

Sauteed scallops with macadamias. This is my dad's plate. By the time they divided it all into plates, mine didn't have much to go on it. That clump is a "bird's nest," read: deep-fried vermicelli. I think this was a great, subtle dish. Well cooked. I didn't add chili oil to everything I ate because I usually reserve that for dishes more to the north. Cantonese flavours are so damn subtle, and they want you to taste EVERYTHING, especially the quality of seafood.
Shark fin soup. The funny thing about this is that usually assholes order this at Flower Drum and end up picking out all of the shark-fin. This was one of the better dishes, made from stock of the crab shells. Great with white pepper and vinegar.
After this, generally, the bridal party go around and cheers everyone.
This also meant making my uncle scull half a bottle of wine at his friend's table.

This is not tea.

A fuckload of lobster.

Mine. With spring onions and ginger. Perfectly cooked. Very generous with their portions. I was already full half way through this and had to pretty much surrender two-thirds of everything else I ate to my parents. They're very much anti-waste.

Oh, and we totally use knives and forks, too. It ain't all just chopsticks.

My favourite dish of the evening. Braised abalone and sea cucumber. Rich, full of flavour and the abalone had the perfect bite to it. Unfortunately they probably threw the sea cucumber in at the same time as the abalone, so it was softer than what I would have liked. Texturally, a well balanced dish.
But, notice already how unethical this meal is?
Also, by this stage, the poor waitress caught on and looked for me to take photos before she would start serving everything.

Steamed Coral Trout with spring onions and ginger. Oh, and token coriander. Usually served with a watered-down, sweetened soy and sizzling oil. You really can't fuck this up.
I also had to keep telling my mum it wasn't a big barramundi. Like, seriously. This big??? Oh, and it was written on the menu.
My share. Lacking in fish, but at this point I didn't care, I usually fish for all the garnish anyways. No pun intended. Probably a little undercooked for this type of fish.
What bird is this?
Faces. Looky, looky. My grandmother was fighting over the crunchy heads with my dad.

It's pigeon.
And it is delicious. In the foreground, a salt and pepper mix.
This is a dish of two rice things baked in one. Very HK cafe. Not my kind of food. Chicken and tomato on one side, and a prawn, pea and cream sauce on the other.
I have no idea why this was there.
E-fu (wheat based) noodles with mushrooms. From what I saw, shittake and enoki. Loved it even though I only had one bite.
And the desserts. Coconut and evil marshmallow. Really, the black side was like, "Oh, I think we will trick them with making half of the marshmallow taste like charcoal."
"BRILLIANT!"
Yeah, I tricked a lot of people into eating that even though I was slightly traumatised with that flavour lingering in my mouth.
And those orange things, a flakey pumpkin cookie pastry encasing lotus-seed paste. Surprisingly not as sweet as they look. But then again, I only had one bite.

And my bro-in-law and my sister being suspicious and enthused about the gifts on the table. It's unisex despite the packaging.
Yeah, soap. Seriously.
Trust doctors to give everyone soap.
"Fuck you, Kylie Kwong. Bao's with chopsticks? Fuck that, I eat prawn crackers with chopsticks...BIATCH!"
My uncle didn't really say that, but that is what I thought when he started doing this.

The joint. Gold Leaf or some shit.

Weddings are so exhausting.

It's a big, fatty, food day.

I had arranged to load off some of the hot cross buns that I made the other day. The receiving soul would be Claire and +39 was the decided venue. Even though I hadn't eaten the sausages that I was part of this morning, I felt like I had.

Maybe it was because despite showering, I still smell like meat.

Or maybe it is the phantom smell of meat following me around, like...a...bad...smell.

Yeah, that didn't work out quite as well as I would have hoped.

Whatever, we split these, in true I-want-to-taste-everything style and there was no shame in taking out a camera and admitting a possible doubling up of posts. The only advantage here is that I don't have to go to work until 6, and I guess Claire is working until 6.

The pizzas are $10 each. This has eggplant, cherry tomatoes and breadcrumbs. In the ways of DOC, thin, crisp bases you fold together to eat like a sandwich. Very simple, light and flavoursome ingredients that still manage to hold their own textures.

But the clincher, (I love sharing food, you never get food envy) the Burratta, $16. A perfectly creamy and salty ball of cheese torn over penne in napoli with a mellow clove of garlic and basil leaves. Welcome to flavour country.

Perfect with the Peroni.

+39
362 Little Bourke St, Melbourne
Phone 03 9642 0440

How excitement

Last night, we ran out of venison sausages at the Lincoln.

If you know the Lincoln well enough, you will know that they make their own sausages. I asked Graham, the chef, if I could watch him make them when he did.
He told me to get in at nine, if I could.

And I did.

He was surprised.

Before he learnt my name, he said he wasn't sure about me and my lesbian stomping boots.
"It's not Brunswick st."

Anyways, I'm on his good side. There is venison, kangaroo and a little pork in the sausages. The pork activates the protein. Told me about the importance of keeping all the meats cold while making it and the wonderful magic of "pink salt."

It is what makes the meat pink. Corned beef, ham, cutting open a raw sausage. Keeps it from oxidizing. As we were doing this, he brought out his beef, showed me how they hung it and explained the cuts of meat.
I was like a kid in a meaty candy store.

Then, casings were brought out, told me that it is important to soak them overnight so they are easy to separate, and the process of flushing.

Anyways, we made some sausages and he gave me a few serves to take home.
That's right, Lesbian-stomping-boot-girl is on his good side.

They do have to sit for a day though, with air so that the meat will take to the casings and they wont burst or explode.
And all of this before 10am.
I am quite proud.

In your face, Jesus!

Yeah, procrastination.

I made hot cross buns, despite my non-religious self.
It seemed the day for it. Plus, I had a lot of dried fruits left over from farmers markets.
Actually, I kind of treated this like a clean up of things in my cupboard, so it isn't necessarily the norm, but it is damn tasty.



Hot Cross Buns
Makes 16.
Adapted from The Gourmet Traveller

750g of plain flour
14g of dried yeast
55g of caster sugar
cinnamon
allspice
100g saltanas
50g raisins
50g muscatels
50g dried cranberries
70g candied lemon and orange peel
zest from 1 orange
1 vanilla bean
300 ish mL milk
100g butter
1 egg

sugar
cinnamon and nutmeg

Combine the first 11 ingredients in a bowl and make a well, but only 700g of the flour. Split the bean and place in a pot with the milk and butter and warm. Remove the bean and whisk an egg in.
Pour the mixture into the well in the flour mixture and combine, kneading together till you get an elasticy dough that comes together, isn't wet but isn't dry either. You may need to add more flour or milk, depending.
Allow to rise in an oiled bowl, covered in cling film till it has doubled in size.
Punch down and divide into 16 balls, kneading each one and rounding it off. Allow to rise on a tray till it has doubled in size.
Mix the remainder of the flour with some water till you form a paste and pipe crosses on the top.
Place in a preheated oven at 220 for 10 minutes, and then lower the temp to 200 for a further 10 minutes.
The are ready when golden and hollow when tapped.
Combine the cinnamon and nutmeg, to taste with the sugar and some water in a pot. Allow to simmer for 2-3 minutes and brush over the hot buns.

Eat them...ok?
Oh, and give them to people who can eat bread, cos really, if you're eating 16 on your own, you have issues.

I have

totally just made a few logs of butter from the cream in my fridge.



And because all of you know I love all things salt...


salted butter.

Remember when you were a kid and had a jar of cream and shook it until it turned into butter?
Well, I did that and then put the product in muslin, strained and rinsed the butter milk out of it and then, with a paddle, added salt to it. Chilled them in logs and then salted the outside of it as well...you know, just in case.

Also, it is to save me from buttering and salting my bread like a fat arse.

YES!

What is with all the gluten-free?

Someone had to change their diet.

And gluten-free flour is evil.

But, I found a good way to use the bastard and make really good pancakes. Yeah, they don't taste like cardboard hockey pucks.

But they aren't good for you either.
Not that you care when you have pancakes for breakfast. Oh, the reason why these were good is that they didn't taste like they were gluten-free, they just looked wrong.

Gluten-free pancakes
serves everyone else

1 small bottle (300ml?) of fresh cream
zest of a lime
1-2 tsp of baking soda (I think this is what made it not puck-like)
2 eggs
gluten-free flour
raw sugar

Whisk together the cream, lime, baking soda and eggs. Add the flour till you have the consistency of thickened cream. Don't worry about over mixing, there is no gluten. I think I used about 1/2-3/4 a cup.
Add the sugar to taste and fry off in a heavy skillet.
And don't forget, the first one is not for the crowd.

The kids ate it with sugar and lemon, honey, nuttelex, cashew butter, jam and plain.

The sad meal

of the poor, lazy, rained-out people.

I worked on Sunday.
Then I got rained on.
Gingold bought ingredients for dinner.
It was weird.
I had to make pasta from flavoured tuna. Tomato and onion flavour.
I never knew how shit Greenseas tuna was.
It was like paste.

We powered through.
Also, it was a good way to stay away from the filming at Lure for W's space-themed love soapie starring Kamal.
Yes...that Kamal.

Sad-face pasta
Serves 4

1 onion, finely diced
3 cloves of garlic, minced
1 chili, finely chopped
stalks of 1 bunch of parsley, finely chopped
The bag of tomatoes G bought...like...9 mini ones, diced
1 capsicum, chargrilled on the stove, skin and seeds removed, diced
1 can of peeled tomatoes
balsamic vinegar
salt
pepper
2 mini cans of Greenseas evil tuna of hell, tomato and onion flavoured
2 tablespoons of cream
1/2 bag of baby spinach, washed
400g spaghetti, cooked

Sweat off the onion, garlic, chili and parsley stalks. Turn the heat up and add the fresh tomatoes and fry off for a few minutes, salt.
Add the canned tomatoes and the cap. Break up the tomatoes with a wooden spoon. Bring to boil and then down to a simmer for 30 minutes.
I figured cos the tuna tasted like arse, that I had to add it now to try overpower the flavour.

It pretty much destroyed the sauce.

So, we cooked it down more, added some balsamic and salt to take the artificial sweetness away.

But it was still sad.

So, we cooked it down more.
And more.
And more.
It probably went on for about 50 minutes.

And then, to cut the gross, I added a couple of tablespoons of fresh cream and then spinach.


It actually saved it.
Surprisingly.


And we ate it with garlic bread that D made.

This is the first time in the place the quality of meal and wine were on par...oh, and we buy cleanskins, so it is a hit and miss.
Interpret as you will.