Fatty McBeanpole

What the hell

2009-05-06T00:10:00.001-07:00

are you all still doing here?

www.thatjessho.com

I've moved house, remember?

Thanks to Ned

2009-04-27T04:50:00.000-07:00

everything has been moved

HERE.

Everyone needs a Graham.

2009-04-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

He's the chef at the Lincoln.

And he cooks with love.

How much love?

This much love.

They hang their meat at the Lincoln and this is the 21 day aged beef...the cut, rump.
Served with roasted beets, feta, mint, hazelnuts and drizzled in hazelnut oil.

It is pretty much a combination of everything I love.

Staff meal?
It pays to be called Fuzzball.

Totally desperado

2009-04-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

With nothing in the panrty.

This was knocked up and shared for breakfast after the Jamon party.
Nothing more to say, really, but now there really is nothing in the house to cook.

Il Eggo, bake-o

1/2 a Spanish onion, sliced
3 cloves of garlic, minced
A small handful of capers, rinsed and chopped
1 anchovy fillet, chopped
1 chili, minced
some random left over herbs in the fridge, chopped (if I remember it was thyme and parsley)
oil
salt
pepper
1 head of broccoli, stem diced and florets separated
1 can of peeled tomatoes, chopped roughly with a knife in the can
1 can of kidney beans, drained and rinsed
4 eggs

Preheat the oven to 180.
In a pan that can go in the oven, sweat off the onion, garlic, capers, anchovy and chili. Season.
Add the herbs.
Add the broccoli and turn the heat up to medium, and cook for a minute or two or until it starts to colour.
Season.
Add the tomatoes, and bring to the boil, and then down to simmer for 5 minutes.
Add the beans and season again.
When the mixture is hot, make 4 small wells and crack the eggs into it. Cover the pan in foil and place in the oven for 10-15 minutes or till the eggs are set to your liking.

Serve with toast.

And here is a closer look of the egg.
I love eggs.
And eggs love me.

We're looking back.

2009-04-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

I blame Twitter for my slowing down of posts.

That is my excuse and I am sticking to it.
I made this for dinner last Friday out of lots of the things I got given on my birthday. The plan was to have a Jamon party to get rid of all the Jamon before I died of gout on my lonesome.

This seemed like a good alternative.

Baked Mushrooms on Polenta (aka. hamper love)

200-300 grams of mixed mushrooms, chopped
1/2 loaf of olive bread, half of that amount turned into bread crumbs
4 fillets of anchovies, diced
Juice of 1 lemon, zest of 1/2
a few handfuls of grated parmesan
3 cloves of garlic, finely diced
1/2 bunch of parsley, chopped
a few tsp of rosemary, chopped finely
salt
pepper
white wine
olive oil

1/2 cup of polenta
1 cup of milk (I used soy, it was there)
salt
pepper
parmesan to taste, grated

Jamon Iberico to serve

Preheat the oven to 200, combine in one bowl, the mushrooms, lemon juiceanchovies, parmesan, garlic, a few tbs of olive oil, and 1/2 cup of the wine. Season heavily with pepper and some salt. Allow to sit for a few minutes.
Combine the bread crumbs, herbs, lemon zest, olive oil and salt and pepper in another bowl. Then, after a few minutes, combine the two and place in a baking dish.
Cover with foil and bake for 20 minutes, and then remove the foil and bake for a further 5.

With the remaining bread, tear into chunks, season and sprinkle some oil over the top, bake for 5 minutes.

Make the polenta by whisking into warmed, seasoned milk for 15-20 minutes. Add the parmesan at the end.

Serve with the mushrooms over the polenta, drizzle a little oil and then top with Jamon slices and with the bread on the side.

Is it wrong

2009-04-22T21:13:00.001-07:00

to have the same lunch two days in a row?

Also, in separating the jamon slices, I made a very important discovery.

There are three layers, separated by plastic. That is a whole lot of gout.

I love you Phil and Charlotte.

Don't send the search party.

2009-04-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

As Claire may have suggested. Who knew? I disappear from Twitter for a few days and people think my own festivities have swallowed me.
Well, actually, they have.

I worked on the Friday before the party and then, met up with my friend's at midnight and went a little spastic till around 8:30. Then I had to get mine ready...

I won't show you normal photos from the night because they are more than incriminating (Play-brawling, pissing out of the second story window, licking wooden floors).

But let's just say after the cops came four or five times, we turned into gutter scum and started drinking scotch out of ramekins.
Well, even in my state, I demanded that we get all of these back.

And what is great about being 21 is all the food people give you when they realise you're too much of a tomboy to want clothes or make up.

Anchovies. I'll bake these with a mixture of breadcrumbs, mushrooms, brandy, herbs and butter for dinner and eat it with polenta or some crusty bread.

Coffee and cookies. The coffee I love, the cookies I am yet to have ever tried or discover.

This is from Phil, Charlotte and her mother. This is kickarse and some items are in the fridge. Crackers, a triple cream brie, a cheddar, Nicolas Olives, a Phillipa's Olive Toscano loaf, a bottle of Hendricks, tonic water, a cucumber, herbs, chili and jamon.

This much jamon. Jamon Iberico.
Loves it.
I kept going and ended up at rooftop recovery drinks, cookie and here, at Goose and Vinyl when I finally regained my appetite.
I'm drinking a Hendrick's martini but they had no cucumber. The olives were...eh.
We ate sweetbreads on polenta, a duck liver parfait, a chopped salad, and Coffin Bay oysters.

This was after I was forced into an interim by going to work and after work, do a tasting from the new menu. I was struggling, but hell, is it good. I think my fellow partying workmates and I managed about three bites and one oyster, along with a bottle of wine between us all.

Then I went out and did this for a FUR shoot in 2 weeks.
Don't worry, there is a slight colour in there now so I could go out in public and not look like Big Bird's ass.
It will be red.
And cutty cutty cutty.
We'll see how it goes. So far it looks like fun.
And now, lunch.
From front to back, untoasted Phillipa's Olive Toscano bread with jamon iberico, toasted with cheddar, and toasted with cheddar and jamon iberico. All drizzled with some oil I picked up from the Slow Food market.

I think I am ready to rejoin the civilized now.

Strange, dirty food.

2009-04-16T23:04:00.000-07:00

When you're having one of the most frustrating conversations in your life, it is fitting to have one of the strangest meals.
Dirty, cheap food for dirty, cheap conversations.

What a waste of stomach space.

I ordered the Mee Kuah Mama, $7.50. "Singapore style noodles served in a special gravy with meat and egg." So, hokkien noodles in this sweet/tart, artificially red sauce with an egg whipped through it and tiny pieces of stewed lamb, which was a surprise, with a sprinkling of coriander. There were a few limp pieces of bak choi and bean shoots floating around. The liquid seemed off, something so strange about it until you ate it with a bit of everything else.
I didn't know whether to like it or not, but somehow it was addictive. I put it to the sugar that would was in there somewhere. It would be important to note that the broth was very hot, boiling hot, so it is good when you're suffering from odd discussions that it has time to cool and let the flavours develop.
My dining partner ordered the lamb curry and you can see the roti in the background. $7.50 for the lamb and $2 for the roti, which is made in house and actually very good. I didn't taste this, but I was told to try. Personally, the flavours from my meal were too overwhelming and I didn't taste this at all.
He finished it all, so it couldn't have been bad.

Totally confusing. We should have gone to Ying Thai 2 instead for something more straighforward, which I think could have also influenced my conversation as well.

Lazzat
their tagline: Indonesian, Malaysian & Indian Cuisine
112 Lygon St
Carlton, 3053
(03) 9639 5951

My Delivery

2009-04-16T22:54:00.001-07:00

I love this muesli from the Queen Vic market, but they are selling her stall to people who will pay more for it, apparently.
So, in her last days, she packaged the cereal into little bags with her contact details.
I love this crap. They are sugar-free and wheat-free and there are three types of varieties.
One which is just plain, without nuts or extra fruit. The other has almond flakes and lots of fruit, which is the one that I get, and then one with cranberries and raisins, which I imagine to be for the sweet tooth.
They're $12 a kilo.
So worth it. It doesn't have this strange sickly sweetness that hurts your teeth and a crunch for no reason despite it not being toasted. Also, because the oats aren't processed on the same machines as wheat, as commercial varieties are, it is gluten-free and doesn't have that gacky feeling in the mouth.

So, I was waiting for my booze-delivery for my birthday tomorrow, and this arrived minutes before.
That's a kilo, if you're wondering.

And a closer look. It has oats, sultanas, dried peaches, dried apple, dried apricot, almond flakes, sunflower seeds and linseed.
Loves it with soy.
The company is called My Muesli and I think she's selling it at Kwikshop.

And we're back in the game.

2009-04-15T21:47:00.001-07:00

I realise that once you go out without a camera, it seems almost pointless to carry one around.

Alas, I am a creature of habit.

A short one for now, I went to the gym and then a plumber came in and made our shower have no water pressure.

I hate him. Now, it will forever be a golden shower.

Then, I walked to Smith St and drank and Asahi at midday. At exactly midday...so no judging eyes. Yes, I am at Woodspoon and I finally have a camera with me.
For the first time.
I ordered a Yasai soup with prawn and pork dumplings. It is a tomato based soup with "10 vegetables" and a choice of chicken, pork or prawn and pork dumplings. They, unlike usual dumplings are not encased in a wheat skin, topped with parmesan $10.50.
It's got the usual suspects, onion, pumpkin, eggplant, zucchini, broccoli, beans, tomato, carrot, cabbage. I know I am missing one...but hell, I don't have that good a memory. It may be possible that the suspect sprinkle of dried herbs is counted as a vegetable.
It is suspiciously sweet, and also based in a chicken stock, but damn is it moorish. They also have a vegan version in a vegetable stock.

The good thing about their menu is that it outlines what it vegan, vegetarian, dairy free and gluten free. A freak allergy-child's dream.
And they're cheap. They have several lunch deals going, but I didn't do them. I wasn't hungry enough. I didn't even finish my soup, and this is with after-gym pangs. Oh, and I so would have properly eaten onigiri if I were not in that state.
Also, I was told that despite my drinking of beer, that it is not a food group and it doesn't really count as carbs.

Damn.

And if you're wondering, of course I went into Monsieur Truffle to take a look around first.

Creature of habit.
And checked out Catherine's (head of FOH at the Commoner) empty shell, next door, opening in a month. Called BOIRE. A French kitchen, all about wine. Wine on the plates and on the walls...glasses, there is no menu and the cook by the ingredients they have that day. She is looking for a chef, actually.

Woodspoon Kitchen
88 Smith St,
Collingwood, 3066
(03)9416 0588

No camera

2009-04-15T00:34:00.000-07:00

how sad. Charging can be a bitch.

Before seeing my housemate Lute's show, Luke's Got Cancer (which you have undoubtedly heard about) I went for a drink at The Goose and Vinyl. This place has apparently not had their launch yet, but I like them so far.
Nay, I love them.
And that isn't because the staff were bored and gave me free food and drink. But, I thought I would mention that so I didn't sound biased.
So, there is Chophouse on the ground level and The Goose and Vinyl above it. The have something to do with the owners of Cherry, because, well, I asked and they confirmed. But also, they let the patrons, if appropriate, pick vinyl to play from a menu.
They have a select wine menu and a few by the glass, as well as doing quite a few cocktails. Their menu features a lot of chopped salads, steaks and small dishes.
I had a chopped salad, of chicken, which had been brined first, with cos, macerated carrot, raisins, nuts and pomegranate. Great texture, although, I think they could have macerated the carrots in something with rosewater, as it became overpowering after a while. Very good value, this dish comfortably fed the two of us and was $16. Also, they don't have a head chef, but two sous chefs who run the kitchen, which makes everything very well balanced in terms of menu writing. Think sweet & savoury working hand in hand.
Their official launch is in a couple of weeks.

The Goose and Vinyl
91-93 Flinders Lane
Above the Chophouse
1300 THE GOOSE (1300 843 466)

---

And then, I stopped in at Shogun for a quick bite the other day. It is a new Japanese joint which has just opened up on Lonsdale St and their Schtick is that they're a sake and teppanyaki bar. They're still trying to find their feet, meaning, blatantly tell you they are trying to memorise orders rather than write them down. And despite just ordering four items, and that includes the drink, I would like to say; major fail.
The waiter, who I assume also works in the teppanyaki bar had to walk back three times to confirm the order. Then, I was told that they were out of salmon, so they were going to replace it with more tuna in my sashimi order. So, I ended up with lots of tuna and a little kingfish.
Much time passed and drinks had been finished. Everything had been finished, actually. They had forgotten the pickles and the one item I wanted to try from the bar still hadn't arrived. The food is good, which is why I would go back again, but not for a while. They definitely need to work on a system where the kitchen, the bar and the teppanyaki bar are all in kahootz together and things work out.
Oh, and it isn't a matter of them being busy either. Just training of staff.

J-Pub Shogun Japanese Restaurant & Bar

233 Lonsdale St
Melbourne, VIC 3000

(03) 9663 3996‎

My cousin got married

2009-04-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

and I ate every single animal on earth that night. Well, no...but a lot.

Also, my mother got drunk and heckled the speech-makers and also stood up and started singing for no reason.

*SHAME*

The food was good, better than usual wedding fare. Typical banquet, Canto-wedding style. Nothing to OMG about, wasn't the best quality, but it wasn't bad either. You know what I mean.
The menu. The first item says "Suckling pig platter."

Condiments. Don't think I didn't eat those chilis on their own for no reason. My second uncle, who is a doctor was sitting next to me, cringing.

The suckling pig platter. Served cold, on top of jelly fish.

Fried crab-claw. Very child-friendly. Basically, the crab meat has been diced with fish until it forms a glutinous paste and then it is deep fried and served with a sweetened chili sauce. Meh.
A waste of stomach space, and seafood if you ask me. But this is what everyone seemed to enjoy.

Sauteed scallops with macadamias. This is my dad's plate. By the time they divided it all into plates, mine didn't have much to go on it. That clump is a "bird's nest," read: deep-fried vermicelli. I think this was a great, subtle dish. Well cooked. I didn't add chili oil to everything I ate because I usually reserve that for dishes more to the north. Cantonese flavours are so damn subtle, and they want you to taste EVERYTHING, especially the quality of seafood.
Shark fin soup. The funny thing about this is that usually assholes order this at Flower Drum and end up picking out all of the shark-fin. This was one of the better dishes, made from stock of the crab shells. Great with white pepper and vinegar.
After this, generally, the bridal party go around and cheers everyone.
This also meant making my uncle scull half a bottle of wine at his friend's table.

This is not tea.

A fuckload of lobster.

Mine. With spring onions and ginger. Perfectly cooked. Very generous with their portions. I was already full half way through this and had to pretty much surrender two-thirds of everything else I ate to my parents. They're very much anti-waste.

Oh, and we totally use knives and forks, too. It ain't all just chopsticks.

My favourite dish of the evening. Braised abalone and sea cucumber. Rich, full of flavour and the abalone had the perfect bite to it. Unfortunately they probably threw the sea cucumber in at the same time as the abalone, so it was softer than what I would have liked. Texturally, a well balanced dish.
But, notice already how unethical this meal is?
Also, by this stage, the poor waitress caught on and looked for me to take photos before she would start serving everything.

Steamed Coral Trout with spring onions and ginger. Oh, and token coriander. Usually served with a watered-down, sweetened soy and sizzling oil. You really can't fuck this up.
I also had to keep telling my mum it wasn't a big barramundi. Like, seriously. This big??? Oh, and it was written on the menu.
My share. Lacking in fish, but at this point I didn't care, I usually fish for all the garnish anyways. No pun intended. Probably a little undercooked for this type of fish.
What bird is this?
Faces. Looky, looky. My grandmother was fighting over the crunchy heads with my dad.

It's pigeon.
And it is delicious. In the foreground, a salt and pepper mix.
This is a dish of two rice things baked in one. Very HK cafe. Not my kind of food. Chicken and tomato on one side, and a prawn, pea and cream sauce on the other.
I have no idea why this was there.
E-fu (wheat based) noodles with mushrooms. From what I saw, shittake and enoki. Loved it even though I only had one bite.
And the desserts. Coconut and evil marshmallow. Really, the black side was like, "Oh, I think we will trick them with making half of the marshmallow taste like charcoal."
"BRILLIANT!"
Yeah, I tricked a lot of people into eating that even though I was slightly traumatised with that flavour lingering in my mouth.
And those orange things, a flakey pumpkin cookie pastry encasing lotus-seed paste. Surprisingly not as sweet as they look. But then again, I only had one bite.

And my bro-in-law and my sister being suspicious and enthused about the gifts on the table. It's unisex despite the packaging.
Yeah, soap. Seriously.
Trust doctors to give everyone soap.
"Fuck you, Kylie Kwong. Bao's with chopsticks? Fuck that, I eat prawn crackers with chopsticks...BIATCH!"
My uncle didn't really say that, but that is what I thought when he started doing this.

The joint. Gold Leaf or some shit.

Weddings are so exhausting.

It's a big, fatty, food day.

2009-04-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

I had arranged to load off some of the hot cross buns that I made the other day. The receiving soul would be Claire and +39 was the decided venue. Even though I hadn't eaten the sausages that I was part of this morning, I felt like I had.

Maybe it was because despite showering, I still smell like meat.

Or maybe it is the phantom smell of meat following me around, like...a...bad...smell.

Yeah, that didn't work out quite as well as I would have hoped.

Whatever, we split these, in true I-want-to-taste-everything style and there was no shame in taking out a camera and admitting a possible doubling up of posts. The only advantage here is that I don't have to go to work until 6, and I guess Claire is working until 6.

The pizzas are $10 each. This has eggplant, cherry tomatoes and breadcrumbs. In the ways of DOC, thin, crisp bases you fold together to eat like a sandwich. Very simple, light and flavoursome ingredients that still manage to hold their own textures.

But the clincher, (I love sharing food, you never get food envy) the Burratta, $16. A perfectly creamy and salty ball of cheese torn over penne in napoli with a mellow clove of garlic and basil leaves. Welcome to flavour country.

Perfect with the Peroni.

+39
362 Little Bourke St, Melbourne
Phone 03 9642 0440

How excitement

2009-04-08T17:19:00.001-07:00

Last night, we ran out of venison sausages at the Lincoln.

If you know the Lincoln well enough, you will know that they make their own sausages. I asked Graham, the chef, if I could watch him make them when he did.
He told me to get in at nine, if I could.

And I did.

He was surprised.

Before he learnt my name, he said he wasn't sure about me and my lesbian stomping boots.
"It's not Brunswick st."

Anyways, I'm on his good side. There is venison, kangaroo and a little pork in the sausages. The pork activates the protein. Told me about the importance of keeping all the meats cold while making it and the wonderful magic of "pink salt."

It is what makes the meat pink. Corned beef, ham, cutting open a raw sausage. Keeps it from oxidizing. As we were doing this, he brought out his beef, showed me how they hung it and explained the cuts of meat.
I was like a kid in a meaty candy store.

Then, casings were brought out, told me that it is important to soak them overnight so they are easy to separate, and the process of flushing.

Anyways, we made some sausages and he gave me a few serves to take home.
That's right, Lesbian-stomping-boot-girl is on his good side.

They do have to sit for a day though, with air so that the meat will take to the casings and they wont burst or explode.
And all of this before 10am.
I am quite proud.

In your face, Jesus!

2009-04-07T01:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah, procrastination.

I made hot cross buns, despite my non-religious self.
It seemed the day for it. Plus, I had a lot of dried fruits left over from farmers markets.
Actually, I kind of treated this like a clean up of things in my cupboard, so it isn't necessarily the norm, but it is damn tasty.

Hot Cross Buns
Makes 16.
Adapted from The Gourmet Traveller

750g of plain flour
14g of dried yeast
55g of caster sugar
cinnamon
allspice
100g saltanas
50g raisins
50g muscatels
50g dried cranberries
70g candied lemon and orange peel
zest from 1 orange
1 vanilla bean
300 ish mL milk
100g butter
1 egg

sugar
cinnamon and nutmeg

Combine the first 11 ingredients in a bowl and make a well, but only 700g of the flour. Split the bean and place in a pot with the milk and butter and warm. Remove the bean and whisk an egg in.
Pour the mixture into the well in the flour mixture and combine, kneading together till you get an elasticy dough that comes together, isn't wet but isn't dry either. You may need to add more flour or milk, depending.
Allow to rise in an oiled bowl, covered in cling film till it has doubled in size.
Punch down and divide into 16 balls, kneading each one and rounding it off. Allow to rise on a tray till it has doubled in size.
Mix the remainder of the flour with some water till you form a paste and pipe crosses on the top.
Place in a preheated oven at 220 for 10 minutes, and then lower the temp to 200 for a further 10 minutes.
The are ready when golden and hollow when tapped.
Combine the cinnamon and nutmeg, to taste with the sugar and some water in a pot. Allow to simmer for 2-3 minutes and brush over the hot buns.

Eat them...ok?
Oh, and give them to people who can eat bread, cos really, if you're eating 16 on your own, you have issues.

I have

2009-04-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

totally just made a few logs of butter from the cream in my fridge.

And because all of you know I love all things salt...

salted butter.

Remember when you were a kid and had a jar of cream and shook it until it turned into butter?
Well, I did that and then put the product in muslin, strained and rinsed the butter milk out of it and then, with a paddle, added salt to it. Chilled them in logs and then salted the outside of it as well...you know, just in case.

Also, it is to save me from buttering and salting my bread like a fat arse.

YES!

What is with all the gluten-free?

2009-04-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

Someone had to change their diet.

And gluten-free flour is evil.

But, I found a good way to use the bastard and make really good pancakes. Yeah, they don't taste like cardboard hockey pucks.

But they aren't good for you either.
Not that you care when you have pancakes for breakfast. Oh, the reason why these were good is that they didn't taste like they were gluten-free, they just looked wrong.

Gluten-free pancakes
serves everyone else

1 small bottle (300ml?) of fresh cream
zest of a lime
1-2 tsp of baking soda (I think this is what made it not puck-like)
2 eggs
gluten-free flour
raw sugar

Whisk together the cream, lime, baking soda and eggs. Add the flour till you have the consistency of thickened cream. Don't worry about over mixing, there is no gluten. I think I used about 1/2-3/4 a cup.
Add the sugar to taste and fry off in a heavy skillet.
And don't forget, the first one is not for the crowd.

The kids ate it with sugar and lemon, honey, nuttelex, cashew butter, jam and plain.

The sad meal

2009-04-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

of the poor, lazy, rained-out people.

I worked on Sunday.
Then I got rained on.
Gingold bought ingredients for dinner.
It was weird.
I had to make pasta from flavoured tuna. Tomato and onion flavour.
I never knew how shit Greenseas tuna was.
It was like paste.

We powered through.
Also, it was a good way to stay away from the filming at Lure for W's space-themed love soapie starring Kamal.
Yes...that Kamal.

Sad-face pasta
Serves 4

1 onion, finely diced
3 cloves of garlic, minced
1 chili, finely chopped
stalks of 1 bunch of parsley, finely chopped
The bag of tomatoes G bought...like...9 mini ones, diced
1 capsicum, chargrilled on the stove, skin and seeds removed, diced
1 can of peeled tomatoes
balsamic vinegar
salt
pepper
2 mini cans of Greenseas evil tuna of hell, tomato and onion flavoured
2 tablespoons of cream
1/2 bag of baby spinach, washed
400g spaghetti, cooked

Sweat off the onion, garlic, chili and parsley stalks. Turn the heat up and add the fresh tomatoes and fry off for a few minutes, salt.
Add the canned tomatoes and the cap. Break up the tomatoes with a wooden spoon. Bring to boil and then down to a simmer for 30 minutes.
I figured cos the tuna tasted like arse, that I had to add it now to try overpower the flavour.

It pretty much destroyed the sauce.

So, we cooked it down more, added some balsamic and salt to take the artificial sweetness away.

But it was still sad.

So, we cooked it down more.
And more.
And more.
It probably went on for about 50 minutes.

And then, to cut the gross, I added a couple of tablespoons of fresh cream and then spinach.

It actually saved it.
Surprisingly.

And we ate it with garlic bread that D made.

This is the first time in the place the quality of meal and wine were on par...oh, and we buy cleanskins, so it is a hit and miss.
Interpret as you will.

What is wrong with me?

2009-04-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

Don't answer that question.

Remember when it was stupid-hot on Thursday?

The sun-set looked like this.
Well, I went to the Corner to see Elbow.
If you don't know me, then you probably don't know that I love Elbow.
Like...this much.

See?

And I have a strange relationship to the Corner.
And running around in closed venues trying to find exits with Elbow...

but...

After not being there for a year and a half, I found myself there only 48 hours later...less...to see Vulgargrad play. Renren is the percussionist.
And that dude with the wavy arms is Jacek...also known as the Narcoleptic dude from Moulin Rouge...

or the brother of Tomek of THE BUS incident.

Anyways...no Corner Hotel for a while.

I made hippy food and I didn't even know it.

2009-04-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

And that upset me.

I scrounged around for food-stuffs in a very lacking home and found some quinoa left from a meal I made a while back there. And it wasn't infested with weevlis. Meh, it was good.
And gluten free.
And egg free.
And vegetarian.

I know...it's horrendous.
I can't even make some sarcastic title about it to make myself feel better. Don't worry, I bathe and use bleached paper when printing assignments.

Quinoa Fritters.
Makes 20-ish.

2 handfuls of white quinoa
2 cloves of garlic, sliced
salt
pepper
1/2 a market bag of baby spinach, washed
1/2 bunch of parsley, finely chopped.
1 medium sized eggplant
2 handfuls of grated parmesan
1-2 handfuls of mungbean sprouts
cashew butter, or a few handfuls of cashews pounded into butter with a mortar and pestle

Cook the quinoa with twice the amount of water as there is quinoa for 15-20 minutes with the sliced garlic. Season with salt and pepper. Meanwhile, grill the eggplant, peel and set aside.
When the quinoa is cooked, add the spinach and parsley and stir till wilted, throw in the parmesan and mungbean sprouts and stir. Add the eggplant while warm with a few tablespoons of cashew butter, to taste. Season with salt and pepper.

You'll have a weird looking mixture like this.
Gross...innit?

Now, heat a skillet on a high heat and fry off the fritters in tablespoons. Make sure the pan is really hot, or they will stick to the pan. You'll need to do them for about 3 minutes on each side. And no, if they stick, it doesn't mean you need more oil, it just means your pan needs to be hotter. Don't be afraid.
Or, alternatively, you could deep fry these fuckers.
But, I didn't...your choice.

Serve with a wedge of lemon.

Yo, Cindy, it's your birthday.

2009-04-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

It was my sister's birthday on Saturday.
On Friday we had a crazy family dinner.

Pretty self-explanatory. Chinese family...lots of food, every animal under the sun. Go team parents for cooking this all in only a couple of hours.

The Quack-quack is from Footscray.

Beef, broccoli...pretty easy to translate.

Steamed fish with spring onion, ginger and light soy. Hot oil over the top to bring it all out.

Fuck yes.

Fresh calamari cooked in prawn paste with spinach.
Yes, even hidden animals in the animals.

And I think I will always have a leaning toward vegetarian Chinese fare. These shittake mushrooms were brought back from Japan and had amazing bite. Served with steamed and sauted lettuce. My favourite.

I kind of left feeling a little sick and coma-like. I don't usually eat this much meat.

Nap time.

The sick files.

2009-04-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

Condiment (avocado, thinly sliced red onion, a slice of turkey in this one, spinach, tobasco, dijon) half-sandwich, Lemsip capsules and Echinecea. What a wonderful diet. 3 days.

Note the shit bread. Not enough energy to walk to the market...IGA bread. *Sob*

Oh, and tea, lots of green tea...

Despite

2009-03-31T00:38:00.000-07:00

having got up this morning and gone to the gym and the market, I am wrecked. My partying has finally caught up to me and I am in a momentous amount of pain.
Oh, and I threw up a few times.

So, ambitiously, I made this to bring to my friend's birthday of food and drinks and sadly, I can't move. And I think if I have thrown up, other people should probably not be exposed to this. Even though it is a really good salad.

*Sad face*

Excuse the shitter than usual photo, I kind of didn't care by the time I finished and this is the strange lighting we have in the house in the late afternoon.

Don't eat this unless you want to contract the plague in your brains.
Um, but feel free to make it.

1/2 pumpkin, cleaned, skin still on, diced
1 red onion, halved and sliced
1 stalk of rosemary, stolen from the neighbour's front garden
sage, torn
2 cloves of garlic, diced
salt
pepper
salt
oil

1 handful of hazlenuts
half that of walnuts
A few big handfuls of baby spinach leaves

1/2 a block of feta (don't ask me what type, I just stood at the counter asking the person at the counter at the market until I liked one...I know, irresponsible blogging), diced

Dijon mustard, the dregs in the bottom of the jar (probably 2 teaspoons)
Extra virgin olive oil (a few glugs)
salt
pepper
juice of 1 small lemon
honey (to taste)

Preheat the oven to 200 and combine the pumpkin, onion, salt, pepper, sage, rosemary, garlic, salt and pepper and oil and place on a baking tray. Bake for 20-30 minutes.
In the last 10 minutes, throw in the nuts.
Meanwhile, whisk together the mustard, oil, salt, pepper, lemon juice and honey until you have a dressing balanced to your liking.
Crush the nuts.
In a large salad bowl, throw in your spinach leaves and the cooked pumpkin and etc. Stir to wilt the leaves a little. Mix in the nuts and the feta and dress with the dressing so that it is coated, but not leaving a pool a the bottom.
Serve with crusty bread and apologise to your chicken friend.

My lover is chargrilled.

2009-03-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Actually, that is just her name.

I came home from the gym, and in my mailbox, I found this.

Ok, well, it's just plain Chargrill. She's also known as Char, Charizard...Phil and I once built a "Yum Char" when she couldn't come with us.
Yes...we are children.

And just to drive that point home...

Honey Joys.
My Chargrill put Honey Joys in my mailbox.
*swoon*
I also swoon because I have never made them before in my life.

I also may or may not have eaten (almost all of) them while reading one short story from Nam Le's The Boat.

The perfect pain

2009-03-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

is when you're writhing in disgusting nausea from the night before, unable to contemplate solids and getting text messages from your housemate who is directly above you, doing the exact same thing.
You crawl upstairs because he's fucked his knee up from throwing crates in a laneway and high-fiving a "mong" in a convenience store after cutting it open. You're both sobbing for your bodies, and decide that the only way to fix this is beer.
Twenty of them, in fact. Between the both of you.
Every second word out of his mouth is doll.
At around 10:30, you both decide it's time for food.
Actually, when you went to pee, he ate mouldy bread in desperation.

Doll food.
serves 4

4 spicy Italian pork sausages, cut into 1 inch pieces
1 onion, diced
2 cloves of garlic, diced
1 eggplant, diced
chili flakes
salt
pepper
splash of white wine
balsamic vinegar
2 cans of peeled tomatoes
1 handful of basil, torn
bocconcini, torn
Spaghetti

In a hot pan, fry off the sausages till brown. Turn the heat down to medium and add the onions and garlic, seasoning with salt and pepper. Add a little oil and throw in the eggplant, soften. Add the chili flakes and season again. After about 5 minutes, add the wine and a few tablespoons of balsamic. Cook off for a few minutes. Add the cans of tomatoes, crushing them with a wooden spoon. Bring the sauce to the boil, and then turn it down to simmer for the amount of time it takes to drink 2-3 beers, or till it looks thick.
When you're about 10 minutes from the sauce looking ready, or, the second last beer of the night, cook the pasta and then drain. Add to the sauce with the bocconcini and the basil.
Try to keep it down.
Most importantly, feed your doll of a housemate while sucking beers down on a kitchen bench.

You know

2009-03-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

there is something wrong when this is your breakfast and lunch on a Thursday afternoon.

Hungry? Not so much. Just thirst; something to take the edge off.
Negronis all 'round.

Real ice.

This one is for you, Ed.

Where am I?

And somthing so fitting

2009-03-25T02:31:00.001-07:00

St Jeromes is closing on Sunday.

Why?

Myer has found a better use for it than a hipster hang out.

A loading dock.

May I be one of the firsts to say, " In your face, Jerome Borazio!"

Stars of Europe, 2009. Jean-Paul Jeunet at Philippe Mouchele.

2009-03-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

When you're in a class called Arts Industry in Context, unfortunately, you know it is going to be a little dry. It is especially going to be dry when you're somehow managing to be in a 'heated' discussion about arts policy, or rather, why Australia doesn't have a Cultural Policy.

It's a good thing you are wearing pants with pockets today.
And your phone is on silent all the time.
Which means, it will always be vibrating. You know, even when you're writing with fragmented sentences.
Especially when you're arguing about how there is no Cultural Policy.
Wait, did you know there was no Cultural Policy?
Well, you do now.

Wait, this discussion is boring.
Let's check the phone.

You definitely know it isn't one of your friends calling when a voicemail is actually left.
Pity the hearing piece on your phone is about to die.
On the other end of your heinous voicemail message is Ed asking you if you're interested to come to a dinner because [the appropriate pseudonym, please] is sick. That is all the information you can actually hear, oh, and it is at Crown.
You call up, and yes, your phone is still shit at life. More information; Philippe Mouchele.
Ok.
That is all you need. Oh yeah, definitely the Gods letting me stick to my no-cooking-for-a-week campaign.

You get there and you start to realise that it is a Jean-Paul Jeunet thing.
Did you hear that?
Yes, it is the sound of pennies falling from the sky.
Don't face-palm it. You're surrounded by well established judgey eyes.

Anyways, here is the food. I will let the straight forward ones speak for themselves. Everything was perfectly cooked, and no one left anything on their plates.
I admit that I didn't take a photo of the first course. I was too tentative. Then, Ed whipped out his iphone and that was the end of that. He was Twittering.
Me, I still don't know what that really is.
It was Pressed free-range chicken in yellow wine, mousseline with curry and walnut, celery and tarragon salad.
Wine: Domaine Jacques Puffeney Cuvee Sacha 2004

Potato and Truffle- a fine distinction of texture and taste.
That is how it was described in the menu. When I took a bite of this I was all, "ooooh, texture," and then I read the menu. I kind of felt like that kid who writes on the circle paper in class.
As you can see, it is loaded with truffles.
And that spherical thing, we later found out, after debate, is pigs trotter. Awesome.
Wine: Penfolds 06A Chardonnay 2006
LOADED with truffles.

Pan-seared scallops, soft polenta, red wine and beetroot jus, crispy coppa tuile
Wine: Penfolds Bin 51 Riesling 2008
Sherbet with Marc d'Arbois and sage.
This left everyone wishing that we had the capability to shove our faces in very small holes. Tasted like a sorbet of eau de vie, everyone's first words were, "Oh, this is very alcoholic."
Pan roasted veal tenderloin with glazed carrots and caraway, croquette of sweetbread, oregano jus.
Wine: Domaine Jacques Puffeney Trousseau 2005.
Cheeses from the Jura region of France Young and Mature Comte, Morbier.
Mine actually came with the bread like that. They must obviously know how I like my cheese. Big love.
Wine: Domaine Jacques Puffeney Vin Jaune 1999.

Medley of morels with juniper berry ice cream, spiced feuillantine.
Um, wow. What a way to eat morels. Those textural flavour-suckers are pretty much whores of it when it comes to the way they were presented.
Wine: Paul Jaboulet Muscat de Beaumes De Venise 2006

Chicory financier, morel macaroons, marshmallow with fennel and Absinthe.
My call for the pick of the bunch were the marshmallows, and that was even before they hit the table. And no, it isn't just because they have Absinthe in them. Now, if only I could have asked how they were made. Ed and I did find ourselves comparing the macaroons to Duncan's though...

What a way to spend a Tuesday, especially with both Philippe Mouchele and Jean-Paul Jeunet coming around to visit all the tables. I am so glad that I live so close to the city I can get my shit together in no time.
And hell, if Ed is going to post more things like this on Twitter if [appropriate psuedonym] is sick, I may just get one.
Just don't hold your breath, kids.

Thank God for the Lincoln.

2009-03-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

You know how I said that I wasn't going to cook for a while.

Well, the Hotel Lincoln are doing their $12 bar meals again.

I got the grilled sardines with tzatsiki and a greek salad.
Oh yeah. I love sardines, so this is a given. But, I have to say, it was the salad that made it. Real tomatoes, crunchy chunks of seeded cucumber, creamy feta and surprisingly, capers and olives.

My dining partner and I shared mushroom aranchini. $8
This is the first disappointing thing I have had at the Lincoln. They were weird and served with sour cream.
All they needed were napoli or salt.
And finally, the calamari salad. Very well balanced.

Hotel Lincoln,
91 Cardigan St
Carlton, 3053

Where do we start?

2009-03-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

Here.
I ended up cooking for over fifty people for the fundraiser. We catered for the dairy free, gluten intolerant, vegetarians, vegans and the eat-everythings.
We= me and the Don Phish. Don Phish did the vegan entree, which you will see later.
Later, later.

The vegetable/fruit bounty picked up on Thursday morning.

And I definitely needed many of these to start cooking. I didn't take photos of the meat main because the look of raw osso bucco is bad enough. I mean, after carrying over 14 kilos of the stuff home, I don't think I will be eating meat for a very long time.

Black eyed beans in a pot with garlic, will be the filling for the pastry of vegan/veg peoples.
Hmm, my old friend silverbeet.

They make nice together.
Really.
With salt.
Lots of salt.
And lemon.
Later, later.
I bought a box of 50 Red Danjour pears, lemons and oranges for $22. The woman was all, "Oh, 15 pears?"
Me- NO, FIFTY!
Woman- Fif-TEEN???
Me- FIFTY. (actions with hands)
Woman- *blink*
The most enjoyable part of making the meal was pouring 2 bottles of red into a pot. That fun was pretty much over in 20 seconds.
I poached the peeled pears in a pot with a cup and a half of sugar, cinnamon, star anise, orange and lemon zest.
The most painful part of it all was peeling the 50 pears.
A composter's dream.
Time for a cartouche and a plate, me thinks?
Caramelized shallots...well, they're on their way...
Roasted baby beets.

I murdered some vegetables.

No, really.

And I skinned the fuckers...hannibal style.

Now, before you criticize me cooking in a playsuit and the Phish cooking in thongs and shorty-shorts, let me remind you that Saturday was 33 degrees. Also, we were assigned to the second level, with a north facing window that wouldn't stay open. All burners were going and the uber-oven was on. Be thankful I don't really sweat.

DP's entree. Vegan ravioli with soft and firm tofu, macadamias, pumpkin and basil with napoli.
The traumatic thing about this was that despite all the heat, the water wasn't boiling. Not even when we poured boiling water from the kettle directly into a pot on the highest heat.

My gluten-free entree of roasted beets, roasted walnuts, caramelized shallots and sauteed beet greens.
The meat main of osso busso cooked in red wine on lentils.

The vegan/veg main of the silverbeet pastries with a dressed salad. Oh, and my sister dutifully removed all the pips from the lemon.
Pears poached in red wine.

I was pretty much completely out of it by this stage. I don't even remember this photo. I look completely robotic.
Apparently I am leaning on the fridge.
Oh, and I finally changed out of my clothes and joined the party where the people involved in my art project wanted to kill me after sitting in over three hours of silence. They all woke from it in the end and wanted to lynch me. Thank god they were too full for that amount of movement.
Oh, and then, my ex-housemate hugged me from behind when I recieved my first beer for the night, outside of the kitchen...and the entirety of it spilt down my front.
It was hot, I gave up and partied and ended up lying in the gutter with my current housemate for a few hours because we were unable to stand.
I won't be cooking for a long time, if I have anything to say about any of it.

To continue from the last post

2009-03-20T00:11:00.000-07:00

I definitely have cabin fever.

For Art's sake. Aka. Don't break the legs, please.

2009-03-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

So, there is a fundraiser happening and I am the kitchen bitch and somehow entrusting my dear Jason, housemate extraordinaire, to be in charge of my 'performance' downstairs.

Yesterday saw me carrying 14.1kg of osso bucco from the market, as well as 50 pears and kilos and kilos of beans. We did a round trip, ended up in Brunswick and then at Vintage Cellars where I came out with a case of clean skins to cook with. In a backless dress.
Not classy.
Then, there was other shit.
But, my sister being my sister also managed to see 15 kg of dog food. And, so that too, was carried. I don't quite understand, she doesn't even have 15kg of dog.

So, I spent all last night and today in the kitchen. I feel like I haven't seen daylight.
Right now, beetroots are roasting and shallots are caramelizing and I am waiting for the filling for my pastry to cool.
I feel like I am a little in over my head, since my kitchen hand has pulled out of today in favour of getting a mouth guard moulded by her dentist friend.

A good thing that I have discovered through finishing all my coffee and literally having drunk all of my green tea...Sugarfree Red Bulls are two dollars at the local IGA. I still don't know what my tastebuds are saying, but for now, I am going to get a longneck of Coopers.

Check here for the program.
Unfortunately the dinner is booked out.
Sorry, gotta run, longnecks beckon.

Being slack is my new forte.

2009-03-16T00:48:00.000-07:00

So, I was wandering through the supermarket with my housemate last week and saw one of those instant packets of Japanese Curry mixes. I bought one, thinking that I would never use it, but really, I felt lazy today.

Well, I don't know about degrees of lazy. There is the whole walking-past-a-jap-take-out-store-and-getting-curry type of lazy and the use-a-packet-mix lazy. I was the latter, mainly because I felt the need to cook, but not to go to too much effort.

I know, I know...I'm annoying.

Still, I managed to make a tofu curry and get my weeks worth of monosodium glutamate in one hit, so I am up for the week.

Packet curry, oh yeah.
Serves 5

Brown rice

1 onion, diced
a handful of mushrooms, cleaned and sliced
4 carrots, cut into even chunks
1 head of broccoli, stem cut into chunks and florets kept aside
water
1 packet of Golden Curry mix

Firm tofu, cut into half centimetre slices
salt

Wash your rice and place in the rice cooker with water. Don't forget to turn this on or you'll have your curry with no rice. I have done this on so many occasions on where I have to cook rice. Yes, I am human, and arrogant. Who would have thought?
In a pot, add some oil and fry off the onion with the mushrooms on a medium heat. After a few minutes, add the carrot and some salt, turn the heat up and put the lid on. After about five minutes, add the broccoli stem and water to cover and inch over the vegetables. Cook for about ten to fifteen minutes or till the carrots are soft.
When the rice is a minute from being done, add the broccoli florets to the rice cooker to steam. I only do this so I have one less thing to wash. Yes, lazy.
Then, heat a pan on high and fry off the tofu to your desired doneness. Depending on my mood, sometimes I like it just warm and charred on the outside, to being quite crispy. Salt it.
Add the curry mix to the pot of cooked vegetables by crumbling it in and stirring till it thickens.
Then, serve in a bowl. I kind of wish I had lotus root pickles, but hey, I am satisfied.
Obviously your vegetables can change here, but this is just what I had.

So, so lazy.

Another Win

2009-03-15T01:23:00.000-07:00

for [our house number] Cardigan.

The boys were making a meaty pasta sauce and wanted to add some balsamic vinegar to it. Then, Lute knocks on my door and says,

"Is it normal for balsamic vinegar to solidify?"
Me- "Errrrrr, not that I know of."

So, he holds it upside down, like this:

Another reason why I cannot possibly leave this house.

It appears

2009-03-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

that a BROAST is happening at my house at the moment.

BROAST; a hipster invented compound noun.
Bro-roast.
Bros who roast.
Guys with skinny jeans sitting in the kitchen with vegetables, using cookie sheets as roasting trays and two legs of lamb which are being stuffed with herbs, that will probably dry out in the oven instead of cook, talking about macking on underaged girls. I'm not a self-proclaimed feminist, but at least I have dignity.

Me (returning from the market)- Dude, you know that beetroots take around three to four hours to cook...and those are huge.
Boy 1- Oh...well, we can microwave them.
Me- *facepalm*

I would take a photo, but I would also go for a run if it didn't just rain the entirety of the Seine on my head.

God help me.
Oh, and my knives! Oh, my knives! Enough to use exclamation marks for poignancy.

Here, watch a video of a NT pig eating grass instead.

And if it wasn't enough

2009-03-08T03:41:00.000-07:00

after the Blogger's meet up, I went to the Bohemian Masquerade Ball at the Thornbury Theatre.

On the way to the afterparty, I saw this.

I am aware that this means that I took a photo on the street through security fencing after one in the morning with drunkards filtering down the street.

But, I will undoubtedly go back and buy small goods.

Velimirovic Bora
689 High St,
Thornbury, 3071
(03) 9484 2935

Because you'll be reading this on everyone else's blog

2009-03-08T01:47:00.000-08:00

I decided to be unoriginal and do much the same.

Yes, we the food-geek, techno-chic (ahem, Ed: live meet-up Twitterer), sticky-fingered, omnomnom monsters got together at the Commoner and basically ate ourselves into cheese-dream, sugar-comas on the afternoon of the 7th.

Was that a messy sentence?

I am not going to try and list everyone that attended, because I will undoubtedly leave someone out. That is just how my brain works...and really, after posting and hitting the edit button is more work than I care to do right now.

So, I will let the pictures do the talking, not that pictures talk, but neither does text unless read aloud.

The Commoner let us use their wood oven, which Sarah and Sandra used to make Flammkuchen.

They also donated Mt Zero olives to us, which had been warmed with fresh herbs and olive oil.

They set the tables for us, but, with being the container kings of Fitzroy, we had to unset the tables and take it over. You can see Agnes' friands, Sarah's "The Rock's Cookies" and her hand cutting the Flammkuchen and Brian's bread and dips.
Gee, I wonder who made these? I loved the peach and cinnamon macarons. Oh, love.

Sarah and I decided we were not going to be too gluttonous and halved a violet and peach and cinnamon maracon. Um, sorry for destroying it, Duncan, but it was for the greater good.

Hmm, and underneath, no, it isn't roll call, we are just getting more and more connected.
Thanh made a carrot cake and
"slightly burnt" blondies. Personally, I didn't taste the burnt, and I have to admit I didn't get to eat one of these till I got home as I was way too full.
Keep reading and you will find my reason.

Claire made these very appropriately sized passionfruit cookies which I would have kept eating if it were not for my brain and stomach working together to destroy me.

Now, before I get to the cheese, I would like to say that I didn't take a photo of some things, mainly because I was too busy eating. That happens, kind of like jumping into a dumpster with one of your close friends on a Tuesday night, only to find dented cans of deodorant.

Sorry, what?

Now...
Fiona brought dips
Agnes also brought chicken wings
There were more dips from Cath
Jack brought grapes, walnuts and dates and
Joel brought figs from his garden.

Not that any of these should be overlooked, especially if I ate it with all that cheese.
Apologies now if I forgot anything.

Sorry, did someone say CHEESE???
Ed brought cheese from Will Studd, aka Calendar Cheese Co man, aka the guy who wrote my bible.
This was my favourite cheese. Pretend that Claire and I didn't take a quarter of the wheel that was left back to our own abodes.
I can only describe this in one way: it was the sex, especially with the figs. I did try and look around for cracked pepper, but alas...

The chevre. Very soft, sticky and surprisingly, not as pungent as I thought it was going to be.

Camembert. I didn't try this one, I was too busy with the rest. I won't pretend that I ate any of the cheeses with bread or crackers. Personally, with the limited space in me, something was deemed unnecessary and yes, I gorged on cheese on its own.

And, the cheddar which Sarah fell in love with. Like Claire and I, she took the remaining chunk home. Clever girl.

I did say I would expose her though, and now I will.

If you ever see an off-angle slice taken from a piece of cake, or pie or tart...you shall understand that it is Sarah's calling card. She robs you of symmetry.

Look!

And again!

And Brian of Fitzroyalty, giving me a very bread-dipped thumbs up, like a true champion.

Till next time, bitches!

Ok

2009-03-06T03:22:00.001-08:00

So, the problem here is how I transport this one without destroying it.

Salted caramel and dark chocolate tart.

Pastry
50g butter
50g icing sugar
1 egg
140g plain flour

Salted caramel
135g sugar
50ml cream
60g butter
salt

Chocolate ganache
110g dark chocolate (I used 70%)
1/2 cup of cream

Make your dough by creaming the icing sugar with the butter. Add the egg and then bring it together with the flour.
Don't do what I did and use the food processor because you used it for the Pissaladiere. Worst move ever.
Refrigerate the dough in cling film for an hour or so. Till it is cold and hard.

Roll it out on a well greased tray.
Blind bake for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celsius and then, remove the weights and bake until golden. Around 10 minutes.

Make the caramel by placing the sugar in a pot and cooking it until it is a deep brown.
Then, add your butter and cream as a stopper with the mixture off the heat. Stir and then place back on the heat. Add salt to taste as you stir to combine and pour on the base of the tart.

Then, make your ganache by melting the chocolate and cream together and pour it over the caramel. This is a picture of it before I banged the tray a few times to get the air bubbles out.
Refrigerate until it properly sets and then figure out how you're going to take it to Fitzroy when the tin has a removable bottom which you cannot control.

People, you are eating this one...suggestions???

Fat for the fat for the day of the morrow.

2009-03-06T02:55:00.001-08:00

Yeah, so, I cooked and baked. I can't bring myself to just bake and fall under the "chick who bakes" pigeon hole.

Obviously, this is for tomorrow's meet up.

There is only one problem that I realised after this crap...

how the hell I get the tart there without completely fucking it up the arse.

Pissaladiere

Base:
175g bakers flour
60g cold butter
14g dried yeast
warm water
pinch of sugar
1 egg, lightly beaten

Topping:
4 onions, sliced
2 tomatoes
thyme
2 cloves of garlic
sugar
salt
pepper
oil

Anchovy fillets
Olives in oil, pit them yourself.

Start by making the base. Cut the butter in the flour till it resembles bread crumbs.
Mix the yeast with warm water and a pinch of sugar to activate it. When it starts to bubble, add the egg and whisk it in.
Mix with the flour mixture till it pulls together and set aside in a warm place till it doubles in size.

In that time, make the topping.

Ice bath. You will need this for the tomatoes. You're going to make a concasse. That is pronounced "con-ca-say." It is when you skin and seed the tomatoes. Cut an X on the base of the tomatoes and take out the core. Bring a pot of water to the boil and drop in the tomatoes for say...a minute.
Drain and place in the ice bath.

You can already see the skin pulling away from the pulp.

Naked?

While the tomatoes are sitting, slice the onions and dice the garlic.

So totally naked.

Seed the tomatoes by scraping out the insides with a spoon. Here, we see tomato vomit.

And dice the flesh. See, it's worth it. Trust me.

Cook the onions down with a generous glug of oil, the tomatoes, thyme to taste, a pinch of sugar until it is thick and there is no moisture. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Take out the dough and punch it down and roll it out on a well floured surface.

Arrange by placing the onion down, and latticing the anchovies and dotting in the olives.

Bake in a pre-heated oven at 200 degrees Celsius for around 20 minutes or till the base is crisp and brown. Hmmm, salty deliciousness.

This may or may not make your housemates hate you for not letting them eat it.

Stand back and gloat...and drink a beer before completing your next task.

Did I tell you?

2009-03-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

I am back at uni and I have already skipped two classes.
And I have reasons.
I refuse to learn the German alphabet again, which is actually the Latin alphabet, and also, after a weekend of grant applications, I refuse to sit in a class and talk about the processes of writing grant applications.

This now leads me to my definitive realisations about my supposed higher education.

The things that I have learnt from attending Melbourne University.

1. I have learnt nothing.
I am the type of person who will actively research and go out and learn on my own. Studying has actually just made me lose interest and discover my pain threshold does actually have a limit and that I am very good at ignoring people while maintaining a look of interest.

2. A philosophy class in first year study is a very good time to work out conversions for baking in your head.
I sat a class called "Reason and Passion" in first year. This was a combination of art history and philosophy and 'learning' the hot and cold nature of the mind and sensation. Because of point 1, I was able to work out ways to get a better crumb in certain cakes and breads I was obsessed with perfecting at the time. Give it a couple of months and you will understand when I present the Persimmon Loaf that I always dedicate to Anne-Margaret. I have given her the recipe about 12 times and she has never made it, and always looses it. And the conversions...it is usually because I half/multiply recipes for purposes of feeding my friends and also, I hate baking in cup measurements. Really, baking is science and a cup is fallible. 200g on the other hand is always going to be 200g.

3. No amount of baking and humming to yourself will ever erase the image of THAT chick, naked and dancing in THAT class.
Erm, I tried. It didn't help. Oh, and cheese was something I left out of the equation. If I was going to disassociate things from my mind, it would also run the risk of associating things as well. I was not going to risk my beloved. This happened both in first and second year. It is also one of the reasons why I stopped taking theatre classes and realised that tutors don't remember what the hell you did the year before.

4. I don't care about (insert writer/philosopher/practitioner here), just let me fucking write already. Being forced to analyse things also makes me lose my love.
I loved writing, and when I started writing at Uni, I started hating it. This is particularly painful when it is my major. I think my style has been severely effected by it, so, I will spend my year in completing my arts management minor in viewing the world as a steaming shit-heap again so I can get my energy back.

5. When someone says they like the way you think, it is a sign that you're depressed again.
This happens a lot in classes where I either have to workshop or have an opinion on something. It also seems to be happening again, which comes me also moving away from the effect of uni on my life and fulfilling my goal stipulated in point 4. Funnily enough, universities love emotionally challenged people and I am technically "disabled" according to Melbourne Uni because my depression is so debilitating. So, I am going to ride that train all the way to graduation and use it to my advantage.

6. How to identify a hipster.
A what? I was so glad I didn't know about these fuckers when I was in first year, and then, slowly they crept into my consciousness, always proclaiming everything to be "cool" or "boss" and that you should "check it" because it is "totes cool."
Also, they wear very tight pants, cannot sit or stand properly, are malnutritioned and therefore bad posture, have an addition to something, probably in a band or about to start a band, have not washed their hair since they started going through puberty, have no intellect, usually smell homeless, all their clothes are borrowed, are unemployed, but on their parent's pay roll, think bisexuality is "cool" and proclaim to be, but have never actually fucked anyone of the same sex, oh, and they're "cool." There is a lot more, but you get the idea.

7. That because of point 6, you can wear sunglasses in a lecture and sleep without anyone noticing.
Hipsters usually wear sunglasses all the time, and with the amount of hair they possess, generally only reveal 10% of their faces to their lecturers/tutors. This is advantageous to any other person, because you are able to sleep in class and look like a potato and be mistaken for a hipster when you really just can't be bothered listening to Deleuze's interpretation of Proust and his fucking madelines again. Third year.

8. That if you don't spend time at uni outside of your classes, people think you have dropped out, are that more elusive and are therefore cooler.
This is not necessarily a good thing.
See also the next point: People are idiots.

9. People are idiots.
This may sound like a widely known fact, but when you're in a class with a woman who cannot stop fake tanning and keeps asking if 1500 words on an essay is enough when 2000 words is the standard in third year, surprise, surprise...people are idiots.
See also: People asking tutors out on dates when they are so naively oblivious to the fact that said tutor is either a raging lesbian or raving queen, especially after mentioning how much fun they had in the "gay scene" in London. Oh, and did I mention...they're studying Creative Arts?
See also: The people who repeat everything that the tutor says, but ending the sentence with "is that right," so they think that they can sound smarter than everyone else, when everyone else actually knows that the person is a fucking tosser.

10. It is better to starve than to eat at Union House.
Unless you eat at the food co-op, but you also have to bear that fucking tosser, mentioned in point 9 sitting at a table EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME you're there.

11. College students are the scum of the earth.
See point 9 and 3 for clarification.

12. I don't care if you're a lesbian, or queer, or gay.
I went to MacRob, for fuck's sake. We are lesbian central. This also means that all our teachers are either married or gay and our brother school is Melbourne High, house of the queer. So, if you're complaining about people not accepting you, stop creating the divide by segregating the "queer" from "straight." There is no war, you're just at uni and you finally realised you can slut around. Good for you, now get your fanjax out of my face and have a shower.
I actually like being your friend when you're not bitching about how you have crabs AGAIN and keep asking when I am going to switch sides.

13. Uni is actually an obstacle in my life.
So, because of all the previous points, uni is really just something getting in my way of actually having enough time to achieve what I want. My degree means nothing becuase my course no longer exists, because of the Melbourne Model, so I graduate with a Bachelor of "what course is that?" It is a waste of time and I am sitting here with my motivation and energy drained.

It is only week one.

In fact, I am so demotivated that I haven't cooked in three days. I have been eating raw vegetables again and today, a frozen vegan pie from La Panella.
Oh, I heated it first.

Notice the ticket infringement notice in the background of this that I am NOT going to pay? I am writing for it to be reviewed on the basis of having awful period pain and therefore unable to validate the ticket that I actually bought. Then, give them the list of side-affects of having an IUD, being allergic to Leverongestradt and a medical certificate stating so.
I can also not say that I didn't lather this golden beauty in tomato sauce. I love the stuff. Yes, I admit it. Surprise seeing as I am not Americano...hey?

Also, eating pies? Sigh. I went to the Preston Market with my sister the other week and didn't but groceries because I already had. And, because of the boys, I have developed an addiction to these mushroom pies, loaded with TVP and lacking animal fats. Yes...vegan.

If you haven't already noticed from this blog post, I am depressed again and I have to go see someone about getting more sleeping tablets, and maybe a "the-rapist" to yell at for a while.

Adieu.

La Panella
465 High St, Preston
03 9478 4443

NOT

2009-03-03T21:13:00.000-08:00

a good sign.

See also:

here

here

and

here

Personally, I blame the hipsters for everything.

What the fuck

2009-03-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

is this doing in my fridge???

HAVE I TAUGHT THEM NOTHING?

*sob*

NB: Yes, in normal house-mate fashion, I did turn this over to take a photo of the heinous crime so it could be examined in full force in the privacy of my own room. Then, I returned to the fridge, and flipped it back over so it looked the way it did before I touched it.

I don't know why, for some reason, it just seems polite. Also, I don't want people to think that their plastic cheese is hot property.

*EDIT*

I also just realised...

Jarred pesto.

*double sob*

Maybe

2009-03-02T02:52:00.000-08:00

it is not the fact that I cannot afford to buy anymore kitchen items, which is the equivalent to any other person going to a day spa, but it is also that sometimes I see irresponsible behaviour as disrespect.

I know that someone not washing something may not necessarily be disrespectful.
I know that some people don't see crockery, demitasse cups, stove-top coffee makers, knives, ramekins, or bake ware as their children...

BUT

I

DO.

I know I shouldn't be that person writing notes in the house (I have never been that person in the house), but I swear to God that if I see someone scrubbing my pans with steel wool, throwing my Wusthof/Trident/Furi knives into the sink or not wash them after using, leaving tomato pips to dry ON THE BLADE, scratching the surface of my tins/cake pans/springform things with the aforementioned knives, throw my cups/ramekins into the sink so they chip, "forget" to at least rinse out the stove-top coffee makers so they don't grow so much mould that I have to name them again, I will seriously either buy a packet of post-it notes and leave instructions on EVERYTHING to piss people off deliberately or revoke everyone's right to use it by hording my belongings in my room and literally sleep with my knives next to my head.

You may notice that I made no mention of my fucking beautiful brandy-balloon wine glasses with the black stem and base which I bought 24 of at a ridiculous steal in some criminal homeware shop a little over a year ago.
That is because I have given up on them because there is only one left.
ONE.

Since when did I live with children?

This may also be a sign of me needing to exit the environment of a sharehouse.

OCD much?

But really, this is proof that I am right, because I am God. At sixteen. With shaving jizzem in my hair.

It is also proof that I should never wear prints ever again.

What is wrong with this picture?

2009-03-02T00:22:00.001-08:00

C'mon. Think.

Also, it was a little burnt.

A Minor Place, where the punks are bitches and dogs roam wild and free.
103 Albion St,
Brunswick, VIC, 3056.

Before

2009-03-02T00:15:00.000-08:00

committing postal fraud, one must make breakfast for those going to meetings.

As Gingold said, "Ha, real green eggs and ham."

I used up all the remaining creamed broccoli and whisked it with three eggs, a dash of soy milk and some salt and pepper.

Meanwhile, I fried up a rasher of diced bacon with the fat still on and sauted an onion. Then, I poured the egg mixture over the top and baked it at 200 for 15 minutes.

The two boys awake in the morning shared it between them and this was left. Me? I went to the post office and then the gym.

Oh, I also fried up potatoes for the gluten-intolerant one.

Such a hideous breakfast. Hahahaha.

This is how

2009-03-02T00:08:00.001-08:00

BB and I beat George Foreman.

BB- What? How are we going to keep the fat in the chops?
Me- Like this!!!

My old housemate had one because he was a lazy, vain bitch. Me, I used it to make toasted cheese sandwiches.

Oh yeah...high-fives!

Oh, I also decided to beat George Foreman like this.

A cast iron skillet wins all the time.

DaVa's amazing dinner of roasted kipfler's, lamb chops with basil, garlic, chili and lemon juice, a green salad and a vegetable stew.

Oh yeah, the skillet chops were undoubtedly better, but don't tell those who ate from the GF grill.

Renren was still hungry and I made him open grilled toast with the creamed broccoli and cheese. I doubt that needs a photo. I like getting paid in dinners made by a person who can cook.

It's so fitting

2009-03-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

that I eat a Florentine bought from, "the only place to buy sweets from on Smith St. The Italians," says Renato- while reading back posts from David Lebovitz.

Renren says that he dressed up for a Private Investigator's meeting in the morning and sat there for 30 minutes and waited for the other members and realised he was the only one.

"Of course no one else would show up at that meeting, but then I started stalking someone in the library and forgot a bag of the Florentines."

So, we shared two between the four of us.

A thick slab of dark chocolate with whole roasted almonds, peanuts, apricots, glace cherries, saltanas in that thick caramel goo. No cornflakes...boo-yah! I think David would approve.

Unfortunately, I cannot specify the exact place Renato bought this from as we didn't get into that discussion.

Back to work after the mid-afternoon sweet.

Day 2

2009-03-01T23:54:00.000-08:00

Of applications.

Bunkered down with the Christobel, DaVa and the Golden Ging so quiet you would swear he died in front of his computer.

There was a whole lot of feverent typing and finally...food.

The mission at the moment is making gluten free and dairy free food. Le sigh. I know...no cheese in sight.

Starting off with a French Onion soup. My crouton, as did Chrisobel's had cheese. Sadly, we could not bake it into the soup as the oven used is portable and cannot even fit a pan in.
Thank god for gluten free bread. Oh, did anyone else notice that Silly Yaks has been bought out and is now called Sacs?

And their bread, which tastes like cake is eight dollars a loaf. WTF?

5 onions caramelised and cooked in a beef broth with thyme and bay leaves. Nuttelex instead of butter. So sad. Though, I do prefer Nuttelex sometimes.

I made a broccoli cream from steaming three heads of broccoli, and throwing it in a blender with olive oil, salt, pepper, chili flakes and roasted walnuts.

Fried off some bacon for the bacon eaters and stirred it all together with pasta (and gluten free for the gluten free) and served with oven roasted tomatoes.

This broccoli cream lasted quite a few days and made it onto sandwiches, toasts and other things.

Who? Work? What?

2009-03-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

Grant applications.

Yes.

Those.

This was eaten next before DOWN.

Potato mash, sausages in a tomato based stew with carrots, zucchini, capsicum and basil...and beans and spinach...mushrooms cooked in red wine.

Very, very filling. Especially when eaten in the 36 degree heat.

It's good when you're fed by other people.

Again with the disappearing.

2009-02-26T21:35:00.001-08:00

Well, I am busy making head visions for things to come.

Contacting City of Melbourne, applications, applications and fraud.

So, as I crunch on salads and drink too much coffee and see art and attempt to make art, I will leave you with the first thing I ever got published...which is what I found the other day wedged in my wall. And hey, it is relevant.

I'm tired

2009-02-22T22:16:00.000-08:00

This is ugly, but tasty.

For some reason, after it all, my excitement has been diverted and I have little care for the appearance of this dish. I made this because I kind of have to get rid of zucchinis and I have a lot of cheese.

Go figure.

It's light and is good.

Oh, and vegetarian.

Me thinks the heat is shying me away from meat.
Meh.

Zucchini Lasagne.

3 zucchinis, medium sized, cut lengthways into 1/2 cm strips.
salt
200g ricotta
1 egg
2 pieces of grainy bread, pulsed to crumbs
1/3 cup of milk
1/2 bunch of parsley, finely chopped
black pepper
3 balls of bocconcini
3 fresh lasagne sheets, or dry/instant from a box

Boil a pot of salted water and dump the zucchini in there till it is just a little undercooked. Drain and set aside.

Preheat the oven to 200 degree Celsius.

In a large bowl, mix together the ricotta, egg, 3/4 of the breadcrumbs, the milk and parsley. Season generously with salt and a fuckload of black pepper.

In a dish (yes, I am aware that I did it in a loaf pan, but I couldn't be bothered finding my lasagne dish) grease the tray place a single layer of the zucchini with the ricotta mixture, top with a lasagne sheet. Do the next layer the same way, tearing up a round of bocconcini before placing over another sheet of pasta.
When you get to the top, crumble the rest of the bread crumbs over the top, cover with foil and bake for 20 minutes.

It should look something like this...or even better if you had cared about your presentation.

Then, cook uncovered for 10 minutes.

And it should look something like this.

Serve with a salad. It should feed about 4 of you for a light meal.

The intelligent dirty.

2009-02-22T22:10:00.000-08:00

My house had a party on the Friday night, which I sadly could not be a part of due to three other parties.

Though, I stopped in for an hour.

We have a fridge with dirty poetry magnets and these are the ones made by my friends Milosh and Shak.

Milosh's. How pretty.

I am so impressed at how not dirty this one is.
In fact it is almost beautiful.
But still a little dirty.

Go Shak.

Retrieved

2009-02-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

Good friends come through with the goods.

It appears that I left my camera at my friend's place and they returned it to me. I am so lucky that this is actually a friend and not some dirty hipster claiming to be my friend who would steal it or try to swap it for drugs.

I'm just saying...

So, with collaboration with my sister's photos...here is the damn birthday banquet that was actually good. My crazy grandfather who is also a gambling addict must have come through with a good week, because when we finished the meal, he just threw a few hundred dollars on the table and hobbled down the stairs. Oh, he's 95 and on a pension, I sat there, swapping looks with my sister because we've seen him throw two hundred dollars down on a table and loose it in one game, and rejoin us.

He's a strange man.

We ended up going to No 1 Cafe, on Carrington st in Box Hill. They recently bought out a place called No 1 cafe and changed them name in Chinese but kept the English name so they wouldn't have to pay legal fees.
They specialize in seafood and are a true sign of being dodgy Asians...the ones I like to cook for me.

Oh, yeah....

We ordered the six person banquet because my grandfather wanted crab.
Yeah, he's crazy and amazing.

I also learnt during this dinner that he was a butcher in HK. I want to take him meat shopping with me and he's become so much more valuable.

It explains why he always catches pigeons on his window sill, kills them and then cooks them...

The waitress serving the first course. A gingery soup with pigs intestine, bean curd roll and gingko nuts. The broth was made from the pork bones being stewed for hours and it was amazing.

I would say the best dish of the night...if you could call this a dish.

Soup lined up on the lazy Susan.

I am still confused about why it is called that.

Gingko nut. I have never encountered a whole stewed one before, it is incredibly rich and has the texture of egg yolk.
I am addicted.

Next up, the steamed oysters, served two ways. One with garlic and the other with a ginger and spring onion mush.

I loved the garlic one, but I found the ginger and spring onion with oil overpowered the oyster, which was very fucking good. The oil in it was also a little much.
I remember my brother-in-law's mother buying great oysters from Box Hill market...so, woot.

Then, the crab dish. Crab cooked in a ginger sauce and served on top of fresh egg noodles. Always a winner, and it was perfectly cooked.
I deliberately didn't eat that much crab though and fought for more of the crab roe in the head of the crab. It is my favourite part.
My only complaint with this dish is that they put too much corn flour in the sauce and made it too gluggy. Not good when your dish cools down a little and you're facing a starchy road ahead.

My second favourite for the night. This is the mixed mushrooms on bak choi. Abalone mushrooms, oyster mushrooms, enoki mushrooms, straw mushrooms and shittake mushrooms cooked till they kept their bite in a savoury oyster-sauce based gravy. Perfectly textured with the steamed rice.

This is basically a whole deep fried chicken rubbed in five-spice, chopped up for a heart attack.

Because I don't normally eat fried things, I found this really heavy and difficult to get through, if not tasty. My sister ended up finishing off my chicken skin.
It wasn't greasy, and was good, but my insides weren't used to it.
It also seemed a little dry when eaten with the rice.

And finally, a steamed barramundi with spring onion and ginger in soy sauce, which has had hot oil poured over it. One of my favourites, and very easy to make. It can never go wrong, especially when they fish it out of a tank in the front window.

And I took it apart for everyone to eat the flesh. I had given up way before this, but my sister persevered with my father.
I wanted to take a photo of its skeleton, fins and head all attached, but my grandfather grabbed the head before I could take a photo and started eating it.
My father sucked all the flesh off the bones.

Yeah, we're uber-Asian.

No 1 Cafe
1 Carrington St
Box Hill, 3128

(03) 9898 9680

Hahahahahahahaahahahahahaha

2009-02-22T17:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I was going to post a mega on the banquet that we had for my father's birthday, but to top off a wonderful weekend which has seen me in tears and running from a cab driver trying to rape me, it appears that I have lost my camera.

And I am still severely unemployed.

I can only laugh and stop crawling on my hands and knees, convinced that it is hidden in my hole called Room.

When with sister,

2009-02-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

two desserts.

You should always remember that equation. So, after my coin stacking incident, I also had to factor in enough for a Zone 1+2 2hr concession. Yeah, outrageous. This is for a train ticket to Mitcham.

I would like to now say I FUCKING HATE PUBLIC TRANSPORT. I guess I can rationalize living so close to the city because my rent more than makes up for all the public transport I would be catching otherwise.

But yesterday was heinous. I changed trains three times for the same line from Melbourne Central, going back and forth from Flinders and Richmond, only to finally leave the loop thirty minutes later.

It is an OUTRAGE: Tony Harrison style.

I would now like to say that my sister's eating habits are totally different from mine, and with my life going the way it is right now, I thrive on small victories. I managed to get her and her husband to eat an entirely vegetarian meal, despite that it definitely isn't the healthiest. But I figure she can afford it when I am cooking and she goes to kickboxing.

My sister also started a Hospitality course a couple of weeks ago, which is the exact same one I did when I was 14/15 and hearing her stories of people burning pasta into the bottom of pots and taking 30 minutes to fillet a fish makes me all nostalgic. Only, she is doing it at Box Hill Tafe, and therefore is doing it with the Fifteen crew and everything is Jamie Oliver (Tefal) branded.

They are also burnt the shit out of.

Me making baked, herbed mushrooms. Later served on the only bread she had in the house with caramelized onions and blue cheese. She hates blue cheese, so...relish.

I made really sad felafels with canned chickpeas. Spiced with cumin, fennel and caraway seeds found in her pantry, heated in a pan till fragrant with black pepper and ground it in a mortar and pestle. Threw in a chili, parsley and mint as well as some stale bread.

Wizz wizz wizz.
Fry Fry Fry.

Oh yeah, I also did this because I wanted to see her beloved deep fryer in action. Her husband got it for her last Valentines and they spent the night making fish and chips together.

The most unphotogenic mushroom ever.

Dishy, dishy, dishy. They weren't greasy at all. Go team deep fryer.

Oh, and I also made a Tzatziki to serve with.

She really also wanted to make a mud cake with me. So, this is the naked boy. Erm, we over baked it by about fifteen minutes because we were walking her dog.

Look. I put clothes on him.
And the blur of my sister in the background.

Then, we gave the boy an enema, or...a colonic irrigation.

You get it. It was tasty, but sadly the sides were overcooked. Stupidly dense and moist.

But before we ate the cake, she wanted a different dessert. I caramelized peeled and cored apples in a pan, made a cake batter and baked the bitches in the oven. Her husband doesn't like cakey things, but he ate this madly...

with cream.

Is it a wonder that I missed the last train home and spent the night on the smallest couch in the world, watching bad TV, crunching sleeping tablets, switching to season two of Twin Peaks and then flicking cockroaches off myself till I finally passed out at half five in the morning?

Only to reawake at half six...

I'm tired.
And I have 3 parties to go to. See you on the flipside.

Calling backup.

2009-02-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that I am stacking coins right now so I can pay rent?

*Shakes fist at recession*

So, with our possible party-theme for tonight, sans me as I will be in an Austrian farewell. Hell, we will just say I am going to be in Austria. Wait, I am all with the fragmented sentences right now, and colloquial language...eugh.

Wait, I didn't even say what I intended to say.
We were debating about party themes and the one I think is the best is the Global Financial Crisis party.

I am my worst nightmare.

See???

SEE???

*Shakes fist at recession*

Okay, well, with my bullshit aside this is what I picked up from the market yesterday as filler for my existing ingredients so I can actually make meals. I usually wouldn't post this but I am especially proud of the fact that I bought this all with coins.

Funny that I returned with groceries, but feeling lighter.

So, in case you need it spelled out for you:

-1/2 dozen free range eggs
-1 punnet blueberries
-1 punnet cherry tomatoes
-3 white peaches
-2 blood plums, yeah, I ate one. Give me a break.
-2 zucchinis
-1 bag of carrots
-200g ricotta
-1/2 kilo of natural muesli with flaked almonds and other dried fruits

Clearing it out.

2009-02-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

I felt a sense of sadness and victory when I made this.

Sadness because I had no staples to actually make this properly and victory because I made it to the end of my Kewpie mayo.

No, that was a little sad too.

With all the nothing I had in the fridge, I had to somehow make food. Edible food. The problem with this is that I didn't know at the time that I had only a few eggs and no flour.

Actually, that is a lie. I had organic buckwheat and spelt flour from the market. And I guess that had to make do.

You see, I have the ingredients to make a curry or a really rockin' pasta, or even pizza if I work my flours right, but this is lunch. No, this is an after work-out lunch and all the above spells effort. I do have to say though, this just reinforces the fact that cabbage is such an underrated vegetable.

Look how sad and deflated that okonomiyaki is. I blame it on the flour and lack of eggs.

Hell, this was such a sad throw-together, I don't think I can really call it okonomiyaki. Now, that is true sadness. Funnily enough, I had dashi. I know, I know...I'm a fool, and I need to do a shop.

The saddest lunch in the world.

1 onion, halved and finely sliced
1/2 a head of cabbage, shredded
2 carrots, grated
a handful of bean shoots
a few spring onions, finely sliced

1/4 cup of dashi stock
buckwheat flour to bind. I did this by sight, but I am guessing something like 1/2 a cup
3 eggs
salt
ground red pepper

okonomiyaki sauce
kewpie mayo

Saute off the onion for a few minutes, so the raw taste doesn't kill you before adding to the other vegetables. Stir together.
Add the dashi stock and flour till you have a cake like batter, cracking the eggs in one at a time and stirring in to combine. You'd probably, ideally achieve a better result than me if you used plain flour, or had enough flour...or something.
Season with the salt, and ground red pepper.
Fry off, one at a time in a very hot pan and cover with a lid to allow the vegetables to steam through with their own moisture. Take off the lid and flip the damn thing and cook the other side. Brush the side now facing you with the okonomiyaki sauce and transfer to a plate.
Squeeze the last drops of mayo on your pancake and if you were not destitute like me, you'd be able to add bonito flakes and aonori (shredded, almost powdery seaweed) over the top.

Funnily enough I didn't consider that the buckwheat flour would make this a lot more filling than usual due to the fiber and protein content and I only made one. So, I have no idea how many this makes.

When you are

2009-02-17T02:56:00.000-08:00

severely unemployed, it is thirty one degrees, your mother and her mother have driven you insane, you

a) watch them eat lunch
b) call your wife
c) cause havoc at David Jones
d) wear only a swimsuit out in public with Docs
e) drink ridiculously priced booze on a roof
f) all of the above, there are too many options, for fuck's sake.

If you guessed f, you actually read all of the options, and you should take a photo of yourself at this moment for posterity.

But really, when I see my father's side of the family, it is great, calm, relaxed and makes some sort of deaf sense. With my mother, all I hear are inaccuracies, uncalled for injustices, bitching and aggression.
Oh, and bullshit.
Things get lost in translation and all of a sudden I am an awful daughter who is overweight and talking only perpetuates my feeling that I am in a slapstick.

Thankfully, after calling my wife to regain my brain and watching two old women eat three dishes, I arrange to meet her at Rooftop Bar.
I look at homewares for thirty minutes because I am secretly a hundred-and-twelve and then make the slightly evil people of David Jones panic for a while by not-really-but-kind-of setting off an alarm by ripping the tag off a dry-food and slapping it on a tray of witlof that got bought by a suit.
That sated me.
But let me get this straight, I hate Rooftop.
I hate the hipsters.
I hate the crepes (they have a peking duck crepe where they list the ingredients of peking duck along with the duck, calling the duck itself "peking duck" (how fucking inaccurate), as well as serving a bolognese crepe. Um, gross).
I hate that they overcharge. Who the fuck pays $9.50 for a pint of Coopers PALE (let along sparkling)???
I hate their inattentive staff.
I hate that their inattentive staff short-changed me in my dirt-poor (literally coin stacking now) state and didn't squeeze the lime in my vodka soda.
I hate that they serve everything in plastic.

Am I done?

You're asking me how I can be unhappy with that view, and sun, and booze, and free afternoon on a Tuesday, aren't you?

Well, it is simple. I am a wench. I am a poor, poor, wench.

And I am sick of being unemployed.
The only good thing about Rooftop are the people that I run into that buy me beers in return for my mothering them in their states of poverty.

My wife got hungry so she ordered a salami Piadina. I think it was $8.50, but I could be lying. She was still hungry after this, if that is any indication of the size.

And her housemate (the random dude with the giant 'tasche, whose name I cannot reveal) ordered one with olive tapenade and then chugged half a pint to get back to work on time.

He is a champion, even though he doesn't know it is no longer November.

Still uninspired.

2009-02-15T20:10:00.001-08:00

So, my variation of raw vegetables have now turned into chopped up vegetables with other shit in a bowl.

I can only blame these concoctions on my hours at the gym. I am convinced my body craves these things, the way that your brain says you want sweet things when you're actually thirsty. If it is any consolation, it is pretty damn tasty.

So, where has my enthusiasm gone? I know for sure that it isn't escaping out of my toes, because I don't wear thongs. It's not draining from my fingertips either, they have always been uncovered. Hell, I am so unenthused that I didn't bother really taking a photo.

And why did I chop everything so small? I don't know, for some reason I felt like eating with a spoon.

Would anyone like to pass me a beer?

Some salad thing
Serves 2-3 people

1/2 a spanish onion, diced
2 ribs of celery, diced
1 carrot, diced
1 handful of parsley, finely chopped
2 handfuls of mungbean sprouts
1 handful of almonds, roasted and roughly chopped
1 large can of tuna in chili, oil drained, flaked, chilies reserved
1/2 a lemon
3 hard boiled eggs
1 head of cos lettuce
hummus

When dicing all the vegetables, make sure they're the same size. Mix together with the nuts, sprouts and the tuna. Finely chop the reserved chilies and add them to the mix. Season with salt and pepper and the juice of half a lemon. Stir and serve in bowls.
Peel and quarter the eggs, lengthways and allow an egg per person, and arrange on top of the salad. Dollop with hummus.
Take the leaves of the lettuce and use them as spoons to eat the salad with.

If you haven't just spent a couple of hours counting the calories you have just burnt, or have balls, add some oil to finish. It didn't really need it. Same goes with crusty bread/toast.

And to quote my housemate, "Eat the shit out of it."

A short Q and A

2009-02-14T20:44:00.001-08:00

This is in the backlogs of things we do as a share house that I feel I should share with you all.

It goes a little like this when we clear out the fridge. Well, when we condense 4 into 2.

Question: Do you think we can flush ice?

Lute- Let's see!!!

Answer: YES

Makes a champion.

2009-02-14T20:06:00.000-08:00

When you refuse to acknowledge the day that is February 14, or are young, or have housemates which are you best friends... on Valentines day, you get fucked up.

How fucked up?

Well...

You know you are loved when your housemate takes you from a party in the early morning and say, "Wow, Jessica, we have to go. You're partied out and this can only end in you getting raped. Home time."

Thanks, Lute.

Cut to us struggling with both our keys to open the front door.

I wake up with my boots next to my head, still half wrapped in the metallic, pink, spandex dress from the night and I smell a little like a worn out hag.

It's half seven in the morning and I can't sleep anymore. Insomnia loves me. When all my friends left me, insomnia was there to cuddle me through it. When Germany left me, insomnia stayed. When everything breaks down, insomnia sticks to its guns.

Insomnia's a bitch.

So, when Lute forced himself out of bed at midday, you both decided that pho would be the only good option, seeing you both through the day and returning you to normal human status.

Totally the plate of add-ons.

Lute and I have a wonderful understanding with this plate. We halve everything, but he takes all the beanshoots and I take all the chilis.

I don't like how the beanshoots make the broth cold. I know you can ask them to steam them for you to prevent that, but I also like my beanshoots raw.
I know, I'm fussy.

The Small Special Beef. This translates to spare parts. See that wonderful tendon at the bottom and the tentacle of tripe swimming out?

Lute- I don't know how you do it.
Me- It's the treasure you dig for in the animal. Nomnomnomnomnom.

My chili tower is almost complete. I didn't feel it was right asking them for another bowl of chili. I have done it before and they look at me like I am trying to kill myself.

And, my dipping station. You see, Lute adds every single condiment he can to the bowl, and well, I don't. I have a friend that does that and she just ends up with sludge water and knows to not do it, but falls into the trap every time.

The thing with food that each thing that I eat regularly reminds me of a time or an emotion. Unfortunately with pho, it means I am either hungover or depressed.

Sigh.

Pho Dzung
The corner of Lonsdale and Russell St, Melbourne...next to that strange Mai Tai place that has been open for longer than I have been alive but NO ONE has ever been there.
Otherwise known by the round-eye friends of mine as "Cow and Chicken."

Hijacked by life.

2009-02-13T18:58:00.000-08:00

Where the hell have I been? Usually, I feel the need to blog about the things I consume, but I have been feeling a little unmoved.

No, uninspired.

Un-wowed.

Un- every word that expresses enthusiasm.

It appears that I have lost track of the week, the time and possibly people in my life. My diet since the schnitzel night has pretty much been toast, raw vegetables and dip.

And to add shame, not dip that I have made, but dip bought from the market.

Boring, plain Tzatziki. That really isn't that hard to make, at all.

It isn't that I am avoiding eating interesting things or blogging about it. On Wednesday I even went to the night market, but I only watched my friend eat a burrito, while I guzzled sangria and beer.

And really, it isn't worth taking a photo of because sangria is sangria, even if it is served to you in a plastic cup and watered down to shit with lemonade.

Hell, I did a market-shop yesterday and what have I been doing with my produce?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

I rip out a rib of celery or a carrot and chew on it.
I have gotten to the point of laziness where I will toast some bread, but not bother to wash a utensil, so I just salt my bread without adding oil or butter.

My housemate asked me why I didn't at least add vegemite, and other than the fact that I prefer promite, I told him it was because I can't be fucked even using a knife, don't even talk to me about washing it.

What the hell is wrong with me?

It isn't that I am lazy, hell, I have been going to the gym every day, and on a couple of days, twice.
It isn't hormones, for those of you with your heads up your chauvinist arses.
It isn't that I am so busy I have no time for food.
It isn't that I am stressed, I am unemployed for fuck's sake.

Hmm, I am just going to blame it on me being hijacked by life.

So, I will leave you with a photo which I love because it gives you such a wrong impression simply because of perspective. It was taken a few years ago by the man who gave me the line on my rib.

But really, it isn't that bad.

That is also kind of what he reminded me of with that line he gave me, too.

Monday's the night.

2009-02-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

A dear and widely loved Austrian woman is about to leave our shores. It upsets everyone involved, but consolation comes in the form of fried meats and traditional Austrian food.

Only, the thing she says is that you never really eat all of this at once, which is why everyone left clutching their stomachs or, if you're like me, still full at half two in the afternoon.

We talked about having a schnitzel night, and since the idea was planted, she decided to do it. The only problem though, is that in the end, there were 17 people and we were down many chairs and plates. Who cares though, enlist the guests as help (true dinner party style) and have rounds, or tag-teams on dishes or let those who share food normally share plates. We're all convivial here, and that is what family is for.

This is the knudel before it gets cooked. Torn bread, parmesan, onions that have previously been soaked in oil, spinach. Boiled and served with melted butter over the top and/or parmesan.

Rolled into balls by the wonderful Suzie Q.

The Austrian cooking off the first batch of schnitzel. Oh, veal...vealy goodness. I put people off outside when they asked me what veal actually was. Thankfully they're not to moral to not eat it.

Pre the cooking of the little fuckers.

This kid knows how to have fun.

Who would have known that he would be the son of these people?

Um, in case you didn't notice, it got kind of cold outside. So, when you have seventeen people in your house, you give them ANYTHING to keep warm. Not that I am complaining, I am the queen of onesies. Although, wearing this makes me feel like I should be fighting the fires in the bush.
The funniest thing though, it looks like it fits well, but I have 2 jackets, a bodysuit, jeans and a scarf on underneath.

Oh, and it fit over my boots. DaVa took a photo of me readjusting my crotch, like a real man...but I think I will spare you. The most wonderful thing was when people accidentally took photos with a flash with me in the frame. Blind much?

Kaiserschmarren/ Kaiserschmarr'n.

Read also: dessert.
Read also: The emperor's pancakes.
Read also: (In our fair Austrian's pronounciation) Err, it translates to the emperoooooor's Mish-Maaaaaarsh, or nonsense.
Read also: very fucking delicious.

Basically, we were ordered to separate 16 eggs, beat the egg whites manually till stiff, fold it into the egg yolks with sugar and sour cream and whisk in flour till it was a little thicker than cream. Add saltanas and fold in the egg whites.

Then, it was cooked like pancakes, filling up each pan, being flipped and cut up, kept warm in the oven and dusted with icing sugar and served with an apple sauce which was made the day before.

And for your viewing pleasure:

Oh, and just to show you how ridiculous the night was in the end of it all:

Oh hell yes!

2009-02-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

My local IGA is behind my house, on Lygon St and usually stocks a whole lot of over priced useless shit, but in my search for soy milk today, I found these kittens amongst the crap in the fridge.

And the price isn't too ridiculous considering how much these felines are sold for at the King and Godfree further down the street.

And I won't lie. I walked back with a camera just to take a photo of this after buying milk. I am not that organised.

But all was not ridiculous for your fateful narrator. I saw a hunchbacked man smoking a pipe on my way out of the IGA.

HO HO HO

2009-02-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

It was Thursday.
It was hilarious.
It was three generations of Ho's gathering for yum cha.

The previous week, I ran into my deaf grandfather and he asked me to go for yum cha with him. Unfortuantely, I was busy and spent the whole bus ride yelling to him in Cantonese that I would organise it with my father and sister for the week after.

I think all he heard was "ok."

I am not one for sentimentality, but yum cha always means a sneaky lunch with my father and grandfather. We discuss anything from how conradictory my mother is, how crazy she is, and when it is my sister and I, how there are many things that we are not sure are forgivable, or we spend the whole time mocking things in everyday society.

So, here is the token yum cha post every blogger has on their blog. So, it's going to be a big one...

"Mixed offal stew" otherwise known as tasty awesomeness. Spare parts (tripe, tendon, intestine) stewed together with turnip.

A Prawn and Pork paste wrapped in dry bean curd skin.

Sui Mai

Out of focus chicken's feet. I believe this is because my grandpa really wanted to eat it and didn't understand why I was taking photos of everything. He's like, "I know this isn't her first time at yum cha...how embarrassing."

Steamed prawn and chive dumplings in a won ton skin.

Steamed prawn dumplings.
The kid-friendly dumperin'.
The "everyone's favourite" dumperin'.

Prawns wrapped in dry bean curd skin...deep fried. It comes with this wrong-town sweet mayo which I have never liked. My sister is convinced it is miracle whip and should therefore be shat on and abolished.

I agree.

Pork spare ribs steamed with a black bean sauce.

Sticky rice.

Can you tell we're getting full? Unfortunately, not me. I was too busy taking photos.

Oooooh, as with most yum cha places, these are made to order so they don't dry out or overcook in the trolleys.
Prawns wrapped in rice noodle with the usual suspect sweet soy.

There is a little bit of an epic story with this one. You see, my sister ate at a banquet with my aunty-in-law a couple of years ago and this turned up. She loved it.

Cindy- Oh, what is that bun on that trolley?
Dad- What bun?
Cindy- You know, the white bun in the metallic paper thing with the crunchy bit on top and it has...like...egg custard in the middle but it is drippy.
Dad- WHAT?
Cindy- Yeah, Vincent said it was like...what did he call it? Quick sand buns.
Dad- Quick sand?
CIndy- Yeah, quick sand. How do you translate that in Cantonese.
Dad- how the hell should I know, we don't have quick sand in Hong Kong!

So, the lady with the trolley comes past and my sister is like:

Cindy- Hey, what is that bun called?
Lady- What bun? (the trolley is covered in about 6 different buns)
Cindy- um..the baked white one with runny egg custard in the middle.
Lady- Can you describe it more?
Cindy- um...it's like quick sand?
Lady- (pause)
Cindy- you know...quick sand?
Lady- I think you're trying to say this one. It's called lau sah bao.
Cindy- YES!!!!

Ok, so, the word Lau comes from the same lau when you say stairs. Or, if you directly translate it, a running ladder. Then the next word is sand, followed by bun. So, I am pretty impressed that my sister somehow got Quicksand bun from "running sand bun."

Phew...that was a tiring story.

She is totally happy at it, though she complained that the middle filling wasn't runny enough.

And they're really light, so...

She ate two.

I asked her if it was worth the wait, and she said it was worth knowing what they're called now.

Ok, so this is when my family really got embarrassed and just got up and left to pay the bill.

This is my favourite, my cousin's favourite and my grandpa's favourite thing. It's a deep fried taro dumpling with a ground pork filling. It is the shit!

Anyways, by the stage these guys came out, no one wanted to eat them, and I got food envy. So, I took a photo of the food from the table next to us covered in chinese grandparents that smiled and laughed at me.
They loved it.

Also, to the right of it, is a pan-fried turnip cake. I love the turnip and taro version of this...which we also missed out on. Sigh.

*tear*

And my grandpa, wonderfully deaf and full.

He laughed after I finally took a photo of him and I said that we will all look like laughing chimpanzees when we age. It's in the Asian gene.

All in all, the food was above average, no, I take that back...it was good, but I wasn't happy that my family restriced my chili oil intake.

Crown Palace Chinese Restaurant
495 Burwood Highway
Vermon South Shopping Centre (or, well, next to)
03 9887 9822

Heat be damned!

2009-02-05T22:06:00.000-08:00

So, as most of you may know, there was going to be a food bloggers meet up tomorrow, but it was cancelled due to the heat.

This, in short...is what I planned to bring, heat or no heat...my oven was going to be on!

Just another tart

Pastry
250 g plain flour
125 g chilled butter
1 large egg
salt
freshly cracked pepper

In a food processor, throw in the sieved flour and the butter, cut up in cubes with a pinch of salt and cracked pepper. Pulse till it resembles bread crumbs and then add the egg, and pulse till it all comes together.

The other shit

2 brown onions, finely sliced
oil
salt
sugar
1 handful of walnuts, toasted and roughly chopped
anchovies in oil
2 cubes of Merideth valley marinated goats cheese
5 eggs
half the volume of the eggs in milk/cream
nutmeg

Blind-bake the pastry after you roll it out into a tart pan (mine made what you see above and 6 mini ones) in a preheated oven at 180 degrees for 15 minutes.

Then, sweat off the onions, seasoning with salt and a sprinkle of sugar till they collapse. Set aside.

Then, divide the onion between the tart crusts and build up with the walmuts sprinkled over, anchovies arranged over the top and one cube of the cheese crumbled over each.
Whisk together the eggs, milk/cream, salt, cracked pepper and some nutmeg and pour into the crusts.

Bake the large tart for 20 minutes at 180 degrees or till golden and puffed. It will deflate as it sits. Allow to sit for 5 minutes before slicing.

With the mini ones, bake at the same temperature for 12 minutes.

Totally jumped the gun and took a photo of it while it was still puffy.

I was just wondering...

2009-02-03T20:06:00.001-08:00

I have been trying to organise my folders in my computer.

And all I am wondering is why I am not sponsored by a beer company yet.

A Carlton in Carlton.

I believe it is the Winter of '07.

Erdinger at Toff. '07

Shofferhoffer (I need an umlaut...Sarah...help!) Kristal at the elevator of the hotel at Rob's going away. '08

Answers please...

I feel as neglected as I was in '05; guzzling five sugar-free V's a day.

Don't ask, it was traumatic for my system, but insomnia beat my ass and too many coffees have an...ahem...effect.

Sunday roast, but not quite.

2009-02-01T22:15:00.000-08:00

Poverty breeds something that is almost like a cliche.

No, it is.

In the wandering madness of High St, Northcote, yesterday, I and DaVa ventured to the Wesley Anne and somehow discovered a very awe-worthy IGA.

In there, we found an actual free range 2kg chicken for $6.50. Of course, it was a few days off its sell-by date, so at nine, we decided that we were going to make a roast chicken while watching Naked Lunch. Dumpster diving is an option this week, but we do have to get our shit together.

There were a couple of problems with this, we didn't quite realise we would fall into the cliche of Sunday roast, but also that the video store had misplaced their copy of Naked Lunch.

This then involved us having to start watching the De Palma interpretation of The Black Daliah, give up on it and then switch to the polar opposite; Kevin Smith's Dogma. After watching that, we realised that we didn't like Kevin Smith.
As this was happening, obviously BB wanders in the kitchen with something close to sunstroke with his lady and we all end up having a picnic on the floor.

Roast Chicken

1, 2kg free range chicken
sea salt
butter
fresh sage
fresh rosemary
1 lemon
1/2 a head of garlic
kitchen twine

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius.

Cut the arse and the wishbone out of the chicken and salt the cavity and the skin. Using your hands, separate, but don't tear the skin from the flesh. Rub the butter between the skin and the flesh and then insert the fresh sage and rosemary in the same areas, including the drumstick and the wings.
Slice half a lemon and shove it in the cavity with the garlic, smashing it with a knife. Tie it up under the neck and tuck in all the limbs, ensuring even cooking. Salt the outside again, just in case and place on a roasting tray with a wire rack to catch the juices, breast side down, so it stays moist.

Bake for an hour and a half to two hours or till the middle tests as 75 degrees Celsius. Then, remove from oven and rest for twenty minutes before carving.

Gravy

Pan juices
butter
flour
vegetable stock
sea salt
freshly cracked pepper

Place the pan with the juices over a burner and scrape it all off the bottom, add some butter if needed, followed by some flour. Scrape at the juices and incorporate with the flour till you get a thick paste and the flour has cooked out. Add the vegetable stock (or wine), half a cup at a time, till your desired consistency, stirring till the lumps dissolve and you get a gravy. Season with salt and pepper and serve with the roast chicken.

We ate this with peas, beans and amazing roasted carrots and potatoes, courtesy of DaVa. Unfortunately the picture taken was too dark.

Keep the carcass and pick off the meat to make sandwiches or crepes, which is what we did in the morning, and use the carcass to make stock.

Boo-yah!

Pity we didn't eat till 11pm.

45.1 degrees and a hot pot.

2009-01-30T20:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a little torturous, as the house hadn't had a chance to air out. But at least living in the CBD grid, out power wasn't turned off.

My parents had always toted the fact that when it is hot that you should eat hot foods, spicy foods, as to "sweat out" any impurities and ward away illness. Not that I ever think this in the heat, I think it has somehow ingrained itself into my psyche.
So, last night, I ventured out into one of my almost forgotten places Han Guuk Guan, for Korean. It is this little hidden hut-looking place on the fringe of the city and the Carlton Gardens, in an offshoot, surrounded by orifice buildings.
They actually serve a combination of Chinese and Korean food, but I have never even bothered with the Chinese menu.
They serve everything with the pickles on the side, and their menu is extensive as to go from appetisers, cold dishes, hot pots, shared dishes, rice dishes, soups and Korean barbecue.

We started with the steamed Mandoo, filled with pork and served with a chili vinegar. $8.

The pickles, free with every meal.

This is my spicy hot pot of tofu, mushrooms and fish egg sack in action. It comes with a bowl of rice, as do all the individual hot pots. $13

Not pictured is my dining partner's pork marrow and spare rib hot pot with egg and potato noodles. $11

Very tasty and with many vegetarian options. When I first came here, the upstairs could be booked out for karaoke and they have a giant plasma TV up there, which is distracting when you're just dining for fun.

The kitchen closes at 9:30 and is run by a Korean grandmother which ensures that nothing is bastardised and you can make requests or alterations to your meal at will.

Han Guuk Guan
13A Victoria St, Melbourne
03 9639 1747

In an act of desperation

2009-01-28T18:33:00.000-08:00

What I have never understood is how people have recipes for fried rice. It is just the Asian version of using up leftovers.
It's like bubble and squeak,
a fritatta,
a toasted sandwich.

And I know that you're probably thinking that a toasted sandwich isn't that, but I have had friends put leftover pasta from the night before in a toastie with cheese.
Or maybe that is just freakish eating.

The thing is here is that this is kind of me using up leftover rice, and also being too piss-weak to wander to the markets today in the heat, despite my determination.
That dissipated when I went to the gym for two hours this morning and decided I had become mildly insane, and if it were not for the Amnesty International people giving me ice in the street, I would probably still be sweating.

So, I scrounged this together and now, I definitely have to go to the market tomorrow.

Fried Rice
Yes, I do know that I am hypocritically putting up a recipe, but really, it isn't like I cooked the rice and let it cool on the bench and sit in the fridge for the day for this purpose.

1 onion, diced
1 chili, finely diced
as much ginger as you like, grated and finely chopped
2 eggs, beaten
leftover brown rice that has been in the fridge for at least a day (yes, I used brown, it is tasty and also what I had left. so...ner)
light soy sauce (My Cantonese background makes me loyal to the Lee Kum Kee brand)
dark soy sauce (As with above)
salt
sugar
1/2 a bunch of garlic chives, chopped

Heat oil in a wok and throw in the onion, chili and ginger with a pinch of salt. Allow to cook for a couple of minutes, or till fragrant. Throw in the egg and break it up in the wok while it cooks and then add the cold rice, mushing it down, to let the heat and flavours penetrate. Add a glug of light soy and a dash of dark (for colour) and a pinch or two of sugar as well as salt to taste.
When the rice has heated through, add the garlic chives and toss till evenly distributed.
Eat with chopsticks or you'll just end up inhaling it.

This is the only thing I condone eating with Sriracha chili sauce as opposed to my big evil chili that gives other people ass-burn.
Obviously you can add what you want, like left over roast pork, chinese sausage, fresh peas, bacon, roast duck, xo sauce, bean shoots, spring onion, tofu (and that is a fine line) etc.

BUT
I swear to god, if you add anything freakish like corn, pineapple, carrot, tempeh or something stupid like that, I will really have to take my mad Asian skills out on your ass!

I would like to say

2009-01-27T04:41:00.000-08:00

that things have been more inspired, but as with my mood, things have been a little bleak.

I made a dinner tonight that could only be described as weird. I am having an off day.

You know, those days where you find yourself walking into everything, mispelling, falling off chairs, dropping glass bowls on your own head or being incapable of properly dressing yourself.

I haven't really been taking photos of things that I have been cooking, eating or anything really. I don't really see the point.

It would be a lot easier with some real routine or motivation in my life, but as pointed out by a very driven woman; having worked for the last six years and finally being set free can not only interrupt the psyche of someone not entirely stable, but shake confidence.

The sad thing is that right now I don't feel capable of writing, despite setting aside time and I know that once I start work I will wish for this silence and stillness that I am currently finding frustrating.

Perhaps contentment is a synonym for distraction or only something the privileged can pretend to achieve through purchasing it.

More hilarity.

2009-01-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

This is Ray and Davina, our friends. You may have remembered this if you watched television or something of the like.

We got a call on the Thursday telling us that they did this and we couldn't stop laughing. I don't own a TV,but I am sure this photo is one of them taking a photo of themselves on television and emailing it to everyone.

Basically, they had an intruder and Davina hit him with a pepper grinder.

Hey...give me a break, there is a pepper grinder in the story.

Wait a sec...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Just a bit of hilarity.

2009-01-23T19:36:00.000-08:00

This image is lifted directly from realestate.com.au

I would have screen dumped, but then you would know where I live, and we can't have that.

We heard hammering at eight in the morning, and they put up a for lease sign. That was obviously after they took the photo.

The point of this is that you should look at the house to the left of 108 and see how much we still praise John Candy and how he is still a fixture in our house after the party.

And if you're curious, it's $700 for a 5 bedroom house in Carlton. I actually went inside the day after the party and jumped from their balcony to ours because our lounge room door locked from the inside and Nek left his toothbrush in there. Their house is the exact inverse of ours, but it has been done up.

How sad.

Hours, ours; the rest of them.

2009-01-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah, don't think that you got out of the Bittern adventure ahead of time. There is still breakfast and shenanigans to go.

So, after sleeping with another person in a single bed, being raped by a mosquito net, knowing that your good friend BB had touched himself while growing up in your resting place, there wasn't much resting. In fact, it is a good thing you hardly slept, because your sister turned up as his mother (owner of the property we took over) entered the kitchen.

So, as ten people took off to fish again and to for a swim with the two vegetarians at seven in the morning, you saw that you now had fifteen mouths to feed.

Okay, I will now change to a first person narration, I believe that will be less confusing because I'm blogging. Oh, the wonders of blogging, bad grammar and non-continuation.

I do have to say, that we did use up all of this in our time there.

Sorry B's.

So, what was breakfast? Mr DaVa and I did this in the kitchen as the remainders watched us converse over sharing space and why we did and didn't want to do things. Unfortunately, they said it was like watching a really funny cooking show with a couple of clowns.
Better than them noticing that it would have been Gargamel and a Smurf cooking the night before.

Breakfast for 15:

Scrambled eggs with unnecessary garnish. But, when you're on holiday, as someone stated, "Why the hell not?"

6 eggs
half their volume in soy milk/milk/cream
salt
pepper
butter/oil

whisk together the eggs and soy/non soy choice. Season and cook in a heavy based pan over a low heat, stirring continuously until they are almost set. Transfer to a plate for serving and add some "Why the hell not."

Honey tofu with garlic and peanuts.(DaVa)

1 block of firm tofu, sliced
honey
salt
pepper
soy
lemon juice
3 cloves of garlic, diced
peanuts
2 "Why the hell nots?", sliced

Marinade the tofu in honey, to taste with salt, pepper, soy, lemon juice, garlic and some oil. Heat so oil in a pan and add the tofu, cooking over a high heat until done. Transfer to plate and add the peanuts. Fry off the "Why the hell nots?" and throw over the top with the peanuts.

Sliced cucumber and sauteed spinach.

I assume sliced cucmber is self-explanatory.

Spinach was sauteed with a shitload of finely sliced garlic in a hot pan and seasoned with salt and pepper.

Leftover Special

All the leftover potato salad from the night before
3 cloves of garlic, finely sliced
1 bunch of parsley stalks, chopped
1/4 bunch of parsley leaves, coarsley chopped
1 handful of sundried tomatoes, finely chopped
1 large tomato, halved and sliced
5 eggs
milk
2 handfuls of grated cheese
salt
pepper

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees.
Heat a generous glug of oil to a heavy based, oven safe pan over high heat. Fry off the parsley stalks and then turn the heat down to medium. Add the garlic and then followed by all the left over potato salad. Turn the heat back up on high, and flatten all the potato to one layer and try to fit it tightly, and fry till you have a crisp base. Season and then add the sundried tomatoes and parsley leaves.
Whisk the eggs and half the volume of them in milk, and season with salt and pepper.
Pour over the top of the mixture in the pan and then arrange the fresh tomato slices over the top. Allow to cook for a couple of minutes over medium heat and then sprinkle the cheese over the top and transfer to the oven for 15-20 minutes.

It is ready when it is golden, puffy and the egg parts no longer wobble. Allow to stand for a few minutes before slicing.

I also cut up half a pineapple, Asian papa style and fried off the remaining sausages.

We also threw pita bread over the burners so they were warmed. That is a DaVa brainstorm.

DaVa and El Pablo, waiting for coffee. I had already had quite a few gin and tonics at this point. My first one of the day was nabbed by BB, though, as he thought it was just tonic water and skulled over half of it. The conversation went a little like this:

Me- did you just drink from my glass?
BB- was there gin in there?
Me- Yes!
BB- Bloody hell, I thought I just discovered poor man's gin and tonic!

And at some stage, one of our party lost their key to the car. She also had a steering wheel lock. After scaling the property with everyone lined up staring at the ground in one metre increments, we decided that the only logical thing to do would be to hot wire the car and take out the steering wheel and unlock it, manually.

And if anyone could do it, it would be BB.

El Pablo steering, like a good old man. He is actually the Zen master...it could have been possible.

The token shot of mint slice. Courtesy of Mattathias, who proclaimed that if his parents were fed chargrilled cardboard he wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Yes, he is American, and explained the concept, in full detail with sugar content, franks and beans.

Mattathias destroying some kids' sand castle. This is actually what he does normally. For him it is an every day activity, not cruelty.

And the adequately placed tree. I thought it was fitting after I had a migrane and was driven to the beach, betting motion sickness on top of that and experiencing "sea air" like it was just a vat of sick.

24 Hour Party People.

2009-01-22T22:27:00.000-08:00

Actually, it was more like 35.

When it was 41 degrees, three cars drove to Bittern and we all discovered the wonderment of the Eastern Link. Although, if you are going to do that drive, notice how every toll is actually for you to pay to see art work?

And that giant Hotel, the boys were convinced it was an automatic hotle, Dolphin-style of Murakami.

I voted art.

The girls decided to stop by on the way back, knock it about a bit before going dumpster diving and tell us that, "Yes, it is just an awesome piece of art."

But, back to the business. There was fishing and an amazing Austrian who managed to catch almost all of the fish except for the useless Barracuda. We ended up with the aforementioned fish, three red snapper and two king john dorys.

Can you say hell yeah?
Can you also say the Gingold and Cheese special? Although, as fish is what Gingold is the king of, he did most of them, and he did a damn fine job.

Although, by the time dinner was ready, we did a head count and realised that we had to feed fourteen people. So, DaVa was on barbecue duty and threw on a few sausages and made vegetarian kebabs for El Pablo and Gray. Although this is what we call both of the vegetarians, they are coincidentally not their real names.

So, this was what we did with the fish.

Snapper 1: Lemon in cavity with oil
Snapper 2: Tomatoes and olives with a herby lemon oil
Snapper 3: (crazy fish) tomato, lemons, chili, olives, parsley, oil, capers

King John Dory 1: Lemon and Parsley
King John Dory 2: Lemon, Parsley and chili

These fish were baked.

And then to placate Mattathias, aka- the midget that fucked us, we took the Barracuda that he caught and just put lemon in it and threw it on the barbecue. That freaked out the vegetarians, so, obviously the evil midget man was happy about that.

I then made two potato salads, one with a vinaigrette and the other with a mayo that I whipped up (literally) with the three kilos of potatoes that were boiled up.

Outrageous, I made breakfast with the leftovers.

Vinaigrette
from what was in the cupboard

2 tsp Dijon mustard
1/2 cup of Apple Cider Vinegar
A few splashes of balsamic vinegar
1 tsp sugar
Juice from 1 lemon
Parsley, coarsely chopped
1 handful capers, rinsed and finely chopped
oil
salt
pepper

whisk all together and season to taste with salt and pepper. Pour over hot, quartered potatoes with finely sliced spanish onion.

Mayo

2 yolks and 1 whole egg
juice from half a lemon
1 clove of garlic, minced
2 tsp whole seeded mustard
1/2 cup of oil
2 handfuls of finely chopped capers
1/2 bunch of finely chopped parsley leaves
salt
pepper

Whisk/blend/Bamix-i-fy theh eggs, lemon juice, garlic and mustard and add the oil, while still whisk/blend/ba-mix-ify ing in a steady stream until it resembles a mayo. Season with salt and pepper and add the capers and parsley. Stir into quarted potatoes with spanish onion.

And this is just us feasting.

Name the two people on the left and you will get endless praise and ovation. Or, you will be revealed to be a collector of restored objects, mainly medical equipment.

When in heat

2009-01-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

it means you are human. Strangely enough, when people complain that their cats are in heat and they have to deal with that eight times a year, I remind them that we are people, and thus have to deal with it 365 days a year.

I am not here to share a secret with you, because you have probably discovered it. I can only conclude that because every time I go to Dan Murphy's, these little guys are sold out. They're not just good drinking for the heat, they're just good drinking.

And hell, when I go to the Night Market, they are good to smuggle in and open without having to fish for that bottle opener.

It's 35 degrees and that cactus is not intentional, but it is fitting. As previously stated, the house is that of "phallic cacti" fame, although the one pictured is a poor example. That photo was only taken seconds after sitting outside and you can see how nice and frosty the can has gotten.

The big awesomeness with these is that they hold the same volume as the bottles and are only three dollars each...or when you compare them in cases, $53 as opposed to the $75 for the bottles.

As I was discussing this with the friendly, local stock-boy at Dan's, we did get onto the point that these are not actually made in Japan, but packed and etc in Thailand, so, if you're going for authentico, you still have to go to J-pan.

So, there you go.
There is my secret of booze for the Summer to you.

But what I will keep dear to my heart are the delivery times of these babies. That, you don't get.

One question though, why the hell is it taking so long for my bottle of Hendricks to arrive??? It has been three months.

OH MY GOD

2009-01-18T03:55:00.000-08:00

A hawker style cafe has opened up behind my house and their thing is that you play board games while you eat there.

The chick who owns/runs the place is very cute and I want her as my girlfriend...or pet. I haven't decided.

But, I walked past the other day and

THERE IS A GIANT CHESSBOARD OUT THE FRONT FOR THE WHOLE OF SUMMER!!!

Ahem. Anyone want to teach me (yes, that is right, I can't play chess)? Also, totally kicks ass over the permanent one at the corner of Swanston and Little Collins in the city.

This type of cutesy Asian weirdness I definitely approve of.

Oh, and the food here is a lot better than you expect and better hawker crap that you get around here. Makes me miss Darwin...or the aunties.

MyCube

122 Lygon Street
Carlton 3053

Desperation is sweet.

2009-01-18T03:41:00.000-08:00

Being poor is okay in my books.

Funnily enough, this meal was calculated by my dining companion to have only cost four dollars to feed the both of us.

Ridicerous...yeah, I still get organic eggs, bitches.

Go team economic crisis and being casualties of the recession!

And funnily enough, the best thing I have eaten all week.

Steamed Chinese sausage, sliced up. Check out those little pools of saturated fat spilling on the chopping board.

Choi Sum stir fried in oyster sauce

The spread, banquet style. Soy and chili hidden on the side

Mine!

Poor Man Linner
Serves 2-3 people

Medium grain rice, washed
small handful of dried shittake mushrooms
2 tsp of dried shrimp
1 1/2 chinese sausages

3 eggs
1/2 bunch of garlic chives, roughly chopped
salt
white pepper

1/2 bunch of choi sum
oil
soy sauce
oyster sauce

chili and soy sauce to serve

Put the rice , mushrooms and shrimp into the rice cooker with the right amount of water. Place the Chinese sausage over the top, in the water to allow to steam while the rice cooks.
When the rice is ready, remoe the sausage, slice and set aside. Fluff the rice and allow to sit for 10 minutes while you cook off the rest of the meal.

Whip the eggs in a bowl till you break the yolks and add the chives. Stir till thorough and add salt and pepper to taste. Fry off in a heavy based pan or a wok on high heat till cooked, trying to keep it in a thickish slab, around 1/2-1cm thick.

Wash and dry the choi sum, sectioning it into edible lengths. Heat oil in a wok or heavy based pan over high heat and add the vegetables with a dash of soy. Cover with the lid for 30-60 seconds and allow to steam till it has cooked. Add the oyster sauce to taste, turn off the heat and stir.

Serve with the dishes separated and allow people to help themselves to what/how much they want on top of their rice. Dig out that hidden beer.

It's ok, I'll feed you.

2009-01-18T03:32:00.000-08:00

My family and I made Joong (or as the Chinese call, Zongzi) a while ago and I had a hungry boy turn up to visit me.

So, I fed him this and bok choi in oyster sauce. And unlike what Kylie Kwong tells you, choi does no mean green, it means vegetable. Damn 6th Generation....

I won't give you the steps on how to make Joong, as it will be too involved and you won't want to make it anyways.

Plus, it will make you cry.

Bok Choi in Oyster Sauce

5 large segments of Bok choi, segmented and leaves sliced
Rice bran oil
salt
oyster sauce

Steam the stems first till almost translucent and then add the leaves till they slightly wilt. Drain and lightly salt.
Heat oil in a very hot pan and add the vegies, shake oyster sauce over to taste, moving around the pan very quickly to distribute and prevent burning. Serve.

I kicked your ass, BB

2009-01-18T03:04:00.000-08:00

and I didn't cheat...unlike you and the Gray.

Tsk tsk tsk.

As you can see, there are the scores for a card game with me finishing after everyone "died" for getting scored over 1000 and me finishing on a 630.

Yes, I like gloating.

But then, you also get why I don't draw. That thing that looks like an alligator is actually a Mr Squiggle-styled collaboration between 4 nuts, crank calling Fish and Gray after a dinner party, attempting to bring "Warren" to life.

Warren is a worm...but we will leave that explanation.

To top the childishness, we caused anxiety with a fish at 4 in the morning enough for him to drive to Gray's house, freak her out, call the Gingold's number, with me answering as "Dial a Vagina," and telling him that we don't have an enquiries line.

Can you believe I am the youngest one in the group?

Can you also believe that we ended up resorting to such desperate times as to drink Campari straight after having run out of ice cubes and then realising that we had Scotch?

Oh, and there was drunken hairdressing with the BB.

We also resurrected Burnie (the burn victim) which is usually a hideous creation only worn by BB through the Christobel.

It was weird.

But we did make a kickass roast beef with potatoes, green beans and a pumpkin mash.

The amazing Narti Pants brought Honey and Cinnamon King Island Dairy yogurt along with tinned peaches and Spacalaa Dutch Spice cookies, which we layered and crushed the cookies on top of.

Total omnomnom.

Erm, racism anyone?

In no particular order

2009-01-18T02:48:00.000-08:00

because I am one without order. The days are all the same when you're jobless, although, I completely bombed a trial due to a cancellation of more than twenty for a booking on a Saturday night and standing, polishing cutlery, pretending not to over service the sixteen which actually came in between the three FOH staff on for the evening.

*shakes head*

And that is why I partied till some obscure hour at yet another awkward party where I simulated passive-aggressive sex on an American midget for "fucking us" and being part of the crew that "broke the table."

Oh, and both those things didn't happen at the same time and are completely independent events.

So, on the Saturday day, there was a lot of cleaning. For the not-so-breakfast of champions, I made fried rice that Kylie Kwong (without her bullshit between stories) would have approved of due to the oh-so-authentic nature.
Alas, no photo, cos we all know how fried rice goes.

Then, a rooftop was cleaned and a 4:30pm lunch was made.

This is just the set up, after having washed that disgusting floor.

Hmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese.

And cos I am one classy broad, I brought out sunglasses for everyone. It was, erm...sunny.

We don't have cruets here. I love how the pepper is actually ground in an old-school coffee grinder. You know, where you wind a lever by hand.

It is THE SEX.

Our lunch.

And the unfortunate one setting for the Gingold who ran out to buy the BB bolts. Too late, son.

DaVa Special
serves 4

olive oil
3 cloves of garlic, finely diced
5 anchovies, diced
3 handfuls of mixed olives, roughly chopped
5 tomatoes, cut into wedges
1/2 bunch of parsley, roughly chopped
salt
pepper

Rigatoni for 4

Cook the rigatoni according to packet instructions. Instead of putting the lid on, put the pan you will be cooking everything on over the top and allow the steam to heat the pan. Add the olive oil when it is hot and then the garlic and anchovies. When the garlic is translucent, add the olives and tomatoes and cooked till they are warm and add the parsley, stirring just to wilt slightly. Season with salt and pepper, adding the cooked pasta to the pan.

Serve.

After

2009-01-14T23:40:00.000-08:00

So, this is what After is. Yes, After; the noun, not the preposition.

The performance on the Saturday, a happening if you will, at CentrePlace in Melbourne for the Streets of Melbourne festival.You know, one of the performances that weren't assholes on bikes, jugglers or people with purple spandex bodysuits on (maybe the only one).

Well, maybe not.

Basically, five men in suits (none of them will attempt to convert you into being a Mormon) sit, bounce energy and have their hearts explode.

Yeah, they're all strapping young lads.

who carry

and tango

and nuzzle the dead

and die on the dead

reanimate and drink coffee

and die on a Zebra crozzing on Flinders Lane (and be told off for running into a yellow car before doing so).

After After. Note the blood splatter on the floor/walls.

Who knew bike pump kits and Cottee's strawberry syrup would work so well?

Funnily enough, they mixed the skiz with enough detergent so it didn't stain.

But, they forgot about the coffee.

Cookie

2009-01-13T19:15:00.000-08:00

Oh Cookie. Is your Bloody Mary worth $19?

It does feature muddled cherry tomatoes as well as lemon and lime...and actually contains what I believe to be the obligatory horseradish and tobasco (but sometimes omitted), as well as celery (also sometimes omitted) with the OTT salt-rim...

but, my answer is no.

They do let you chose the level of spiciness though, which is a plus. To me it is like asking to levels of flavour.
This is my friend trying to finish it off, unsuccessfully.

To quote: Oh no, my nose is too Italian for this glass. You want to do it, you're Asian.

When you're a responsible adult

2009-01-13T19:09:00.000-08:00

And you're not on a diet, you say, "Fuck you icecream, I'll show you!"

That's a panzerotti from the night market filled with chicken and pea risotto. A panzerotti is basically a deep fried calzone and probably one of the better things at the market. And I know what you're thinking...calzones aren't filled with risotto.

That is because they are not.

I believe his was previously filled with salami, mozarella and napoli.

Kudos.

Oh, and he actually ate it.

Quinoa makes a come back.

2009-01-13T19:02:00.001-08:00

Nothing much to say, more kitchen-bitching.

Quinoa Salad
serves 8

2 cups of cooked quinoa
1 bunch of parsley, leaves only, roughly torn by hand
1/3 bunch of mint, leaves only, shredded
2 bunches of broccolini
500 g fresh peas, podded
2 bunches of baby asparagus, sectioned
2 handfuls of almonds and walnuts, roasted and chopped
goats curd
1 lemon
salt
pepper

Mix the quinoa and herbs together while warm. Blanch the broccolini, peas and asparagus and add to the quinoa mix and toss. Season with lemon juice, salt and pepper.

Dollop goats curd over the top and top with the nuts and serve.

Blood for your Blood?

2009-01-13T18:45:00.000-08:00

My friends were doing a performance called After for the Streets of Melbourne festival over the weekend and I was their personal kitchen bitch for the time.

The first night saw a lot of clambering and hiking bags full of ingredients, fridge cramming and impromptu cooking.

I made a bastardisation of Borscht from the ingredients they had. I know, hiking bags full, and still no cabbage or oink-oink.

One of the reasons for the Borscht, other than these being the first ingredients found, that their hearts all exploded on CentrePlace. It only seemed fitting.

Borscht
Serves 6
(and then some)

1 lamb shank, salted
2 cloves of garlic
2 beetroots, trimmed and diced
1 large carrot, diced
1 large onion, diced
1 large leek, diced
1 large potato, diced
vegetable stock, to cover, and some extra
2 bay leaves
Salt
freshly cracked pepper
1/2 a bunch of parsley, chopped
yogurt

Seal the shank in a heavy pot, and reduce the heat. Add the garlic, onion, carrot, leek, potato and saute till translucent. Add the beetroot and cover with the vegetable stock and bay leaves. Bring to the boil and then simmer for 3 hours, skimming the scum off the top.
Scum bucket

When the shank is fork-tender, remove the meat from the bone, shred and return to the pot. Season to taste.
Stir in half the parsley.

Mix the yogurt with the rest of the parsley and dollop over the top of the soup when serving.

After the dumpling madness

2009-01-13T18:32:00.000-08:00

Remember this?

Well, in the remnants, before I went to the gym, I fed the kids.

It was really tasty and unfortunately, I couldn't eat it. This is because if I eat before going to the gym, I usually find myself either incredibly nauseous or I throw up at some stage when I stop moving.

Really, it's disgusting.

Fried rice noodles with Chinese broccoli
(Technically serves 2)

1/2 packet of dried rice stick noodles, rehydrated in cold water and set aside
1 handful of black fungus, cut in strips, rehydrated in boiling water, water reserved

2 slices of ginger
1 bunch of Chinese broccoli, sectioned
1 1/2 teaspoons of XO sauce
1 teaspoon of oyster sauce
1 teaspoon of chili oil (pictured on table)
1/2 teaspoon of soy sauce

2 spring onions, finely sliced.

Add some oil to a hot wok and add the ginger till it starts bubbling, add the chinese broccoli and stir fry for a minute with a bit of salt. Add the noodles and mushroom at this stage, tossing continuously. Add the mushroom water to soften the noodles along with the sauces.
When it is cooked and the noodles have softened, serve with the spring onions as a garnish along with extra chili. Feel free to add a squeeze of lemon/lime juice. It strangely made sense.

When Friends are good to you.

2009-01-13T18:06:00.000-08:00

Last week saw desperation at the hand of myself and DaVa.

It seemed that neither of us had access to our accounts or our cash and had twenty dollars to our names for two days. Just to be clear, that was twenty dollars collectively.

I was feeling a little weary and defeated by technology, and DaVa was left confused. So, as I sat at the computer and sighed, he went off to the local Safeway to scrounge something to cook for the both of us because for the first time ever, I really didn't want to set foot in the kitchen. Of course, my anxiety peaked as I let someone loose in my kitchen where my obvious systems with how I shelve, store, pack, use and wash things showed how obsessive compulsive I was (and still am). Of course he giggled, and then at some stage, admitted that I was a mad bitch, but it was all in the name of Napoli.

So, this is what the boy conjured after the guy at Safeway took pity on him and our coins and let him walk free with cash to spare.

Oh, and we noted that the quality of sausage obviously makes or breaks this.

Fennel Sausages in Napoli with a Broccoli Something-Something.

olive oil
1 tin of tomatoes
3 cloves of garlic, diced
3 fennel sausages

pasta, cooked and drained

broccoli, boiled in heavily salted water

Make the napoli by reducing the tomatoes over a low heat with the olive oil after sauteing off the garlic for 30 minutes.
When this is done, swirl half of the napoli with the pasta so it doesn't stick together.
Fry off the sausages and add to the remaining napoli.
After the broccoli is cooked, dice and fry off with a clove of diced garlic and oil.
Assemble by dividing the pasta, adding the sausage and napoli over the top and serve with the broccoli on the side and mix in with the dish at to your own taste.

Wesley Anne in the afternoon is so wrong.

2009-01-13T17:56:00.000-08:00

Well, last Friday, after cooking and rehearsing I ran to the Wesley Anne in Northcote for a few beers while my friend and I shared a plate of dips and she ate the beef and Guinness pie with mash and peas.

Unfortunately, it was too nice a day and the only guy working (to be fair, it was three in the afternoon) took ten minutes to notice us at the bar.

Generally, I like the food here, but there was something incredibly wrong this time. The bread was stale and not heated through for the dips. The token rocket was wilted and we preferred to just give up. The range was hummus, beetroot and a carrot and almond dip.

My friend, who had been awake since four in the morning, working for the breakfast news who usually demoishes everything in sight had to leave the peas as they somehow burnt frozen ones. It was just confusing.

So, we decided to make some art.

Dip face, and soon to be pea mountain with a cap of snow.

Fortunately, after this we cleaned it up for them...you know, cos we're nice.

Excuse me

2009-01-09T01:35:00.000-08:00

but I have been attempting some sort of self improvement, and I don't mean in the masturbation way of my good friend, Chuck P.

I have been spending too many hours at the gym and then guzzling the calories back in alcomahol in the evening while cooking for the crew who rehearse in the eve.

Sure, I have been to the markets several times this week and carried food back in hiking bags, but it doesn't mean I have to write an essay about it.

I will spare you my bitching, but this is really just an update to say that I will update when I get some fucking time to myself.

Also, I hate people posting pictures of their cats/dogs/fish/non-edible animal of stupid affection on their food blogs.

It's like when someone says that their child is gifted and need some special attention. Yeah, I get it, you didn't spawn something that is going to take a shit in its pants after it's crawled out two years down the track, or in the case of the animal, knows the specified area to shit.

I forget where I am going...it's been a long week.

Just a quickie.

2009-01-05T02:36:00.000-08:00

In my madness, anxiety and caffeine I make something that is going to calm me down.

Nothing fancy, but as described, a "flavour bomb" and reminded my dining companion of the chickpeas at the Moroccan Soup Bar (I don't know how).

Tasty nice-calm

1 can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
2 cloves of garlic, diced
1 leek, finely sliced
1 medium zucchini, diced (I used one of the round ones I picked up from the Slow Food market)
2 tomatoes, diced
Zest of a whole lemon, and juice from half
Olive tapanade (from the Nicola crew, slightly citrusy)
chili flakes
salt
pepper
yogurt to serve

Heat a pan on high and fry off the chickpeas with one of the cloves of garlic until brown and crispy on the outside. Remove from pan and set aside. Then, on high heat, fry off the leek, zucchini, tomato and lemon zest, seasoning with the chili flakes, salt and pepper. When done, add the lemon juice and serve with a dollop of yogurt over the top.

We're moving on out.

2009-01-05T02:12:00.000-08:00

So, it's true. Everyone is moving on and away and people are finally past the rush of the holidays, the season of happy, the illusion of calm. As these guys were packing up the tree in the city square ('bout fucking time, it's been up since October) there was also a ute filled with red balls and my phone started ringing.
It is my first week off work in two and a half years, officially, and I get told that because of the recession, all the temps in the building are being let go. No, I believe they said that no temp contracts were being renewed in our sector.

Awesome.

Right after our shitty fucking housemate ran out on us and we had to cover his rent...

and bills.

My first thought was how much cheese I would sacrifice...seriously.

But, that is what I get for working in a bank. My soul is tainted. Technically I should be fine, and I have been wanting to leave since I started, but alas, bills must be paid and I just can't be bothered finding another job...and a housemate at the same time.

So, my soul is soothed with a French woman and Greenhouse.

She got the broccoli, zucchini and feta quiche.

I attempted to get through this fior di latte, fennel, tomato and capsicum roll. Just what I needed, it was just too much.

And I guzzled three burnt short blacks in my anxious state and decided it would be better to head somewhere with oomph.

God, I can't believe I just said oomph*. Shoot me.
Anyways, I am reading Dave Eggers (latest) collection of short stories while sucking down a very-strong-and-not-that-burnt-but-kind-of-dirty short black. (Say that like Jungle Julia off Death Proof.)

And how do I feel?

Caffinated.

*(Oomph, read: Pushka.)

It's dumpling town.

2009-01-04T23:37:00.000-08:00

You know when it's a Saturday and you wake up with the need to make dumplings and some other person makes an executive decision to have a nice, random number of nine people around that you're going to be folding a hundred dumplings in the afternoon after being a human food processor.

That may be a slight exaggeration.

You may also notice that the photos get blurrier and blurrier as we drink more and more. We made Negronis in jugs, drank beers by slabs, vodka from the bottle and suckled on the lips of sparkling white wine bottles.

And then, a charming little Christobel had alcohol poisoning.

Dumplings and shit
makes 100

400g pork mince
400g chicken mince
300g prawns, deveined and roughly chopped
2 handfuls black fungus, shredded and hydrated in boiling water
6 shitake mushrooms rehydrated in boiling water and diced (reserve water)
1 can of water chestnuts, diced
4 cloves garlic, minced
ginger, finely diced, to taste
6 spring onions, finely diced
soy sauce
white pepper
salt
sugar
sesame oil
2 egg whites
cornflour
2 packets of wonton skins

Mix together all the ingredients except for the cornflour and won ton skins. Make a dish with cornflour and water and wrap in the skins, using the cornflour mixture to seal.

For Soup

water from the rehydrated mushrooms
salt
white pepper
soy
oyster sauce
sugar
sesame oil
5 slices of ginger
3 litres of water
sliced spring onions
spinach
baby bok choi
gai larn

fresh egg noodles or flat rice noodles

Boil the mushroom water and adjust seasoning to taste with the extra 3 litres of water and ginger. When ready to serve, cook off the noodles, the vegetables and plate up with garnishes (I made chive omelets and crisped up won ton skins and crushed them over the top for texture) .

This is everything that goes in the dumperin' in a bowl ready to be mixed up. I tested it for seasoning by frying off a tablespoon and trying it.

Getting ready to wrap. the wet tea towel to cover the skins so they don't dry out. A bowl of cornflour mixed with cold water to use as "glue" to keep the skins together.

A folded plate. We had to clear out the fridge and freezer to keep these suckers ready for cooking.

The dumplings in the container are those getting ready to be fried. And, the prepped vegies.

And a different angle, just because I can't be bothered editing what is here.

I made chive omlettes, rolled them up and sliced them for garnish.

Me on the phone while plating up the first round of fried-s. "Yeah, no, really, up the back staircase and get some booze. No, lots of booze."
Fry one side in a pan with ginger, flip when it looks crispy, add water, cover with the lid and steam for a minute.

Plating up the dumpling noodle soup.

My trusty camera-man...kind of drunk by this time. I really like how we had 3 different kinds of chili to eat with. Of course, there is now none left.
I cooked off the noodles in one pot, the vegetables in the other and the won tons in another separate pot. I kept the soup hot in another pot and just added them all together at the end, building it up and finishing it with the garnishes. Booyah!

And at the very end, this man is wearing my dress. Yes, it is just as see-through on me and um...guess what I am wearing?

The Final Christmas (Gingold makes another special)

2008-12-29T02:39:00.000-08:00

On the Sunday, more friends had a little barbecue and it was all a little impromptu. And yet again, we all got pretty tipsy.

It is strange when you keep running into the same group of people in the local stupidmarket/bottle shop and then see them at the party.

This is the beginning. There was a plate of grilled calamari before, but we ate it. We ate it good and with our fingers.
They are oven roasted tomatoes you see over there, stuffed sardines are on their way and that guy over there is eating vegan sausages.

Mr DaVa grilling off Haloumi and onions. This was the only good batch of onions as after that, people would throw lamb and beef on and then, the onions just tasted like animal-fat-special-combination. It reminded me of the meat in the kebab that I had when I lost my drunken food virginity.

The Golden Ging is starting to get a little drunk and cocky. They began to dance as they cooked and lost track of what they were cooking. They're kind of like the not-so-but-very-camp-Ainsley-Harriott-emulators.

The token gratuitous sausage-cock photo.

And the best face that Gingold has ever pulled. Note how he looks like Gargamel. Well, he always does, but he's skinny and not after little blue things, but finally people noticed. This is his face after watching DaVa chop his sausage cock in half...you know, just to see if it was done.

And, if you're reading this Gingold...I still love you, but you have to know the truth.

Christmas part 2 and 3

2008-12-29T02:28:00.000-08:00

After the first installment, I walked for fifty minutes to Box Hill north to drop Mr DaVa off at his parents. Struggling to even fit a beer in over there, he had to do the same thing all over again, but with porchetta (wog Christmas) immediately after. So, so sad.

Then, I headed off and got ready for the orphan's do at my place. I ended up cooking a lamb roast stuffed with spinach, pricked it all over and put in garlic cloves and sage, and more roast vegetables.

We wanted something we could walk away from and not think about as we gathered booze. My trusty housemate managed to score another couple of cases of free beer, and we bought a slab and a bottle of Tanqueray.
There were only 10 of us there and more people bought booze. I obviously couldn't eat any more, but we all got pretty plastered. The night is good to end with your real family.

The day after, my friends 1928 and his lady had drinks and nibbles at their place. It was a cold meats spread, with cheese and dip. However, with the cold-meat love that 1928 and I share, he brought out the salami he made after taking a Fleischmeister course and it was fantastic. Very garlicky, not too fatty, but surprisingly dry on the tongue...not in a bad way.
This was a small do with 6 people and yes, we all got pretty plastered.

I saw this little guy on the way over there, and it seems fitting, if not ominous of where my body is now.